Is There a Doctor In The House?

This is a very special Xena blog post! Why? Because this is America and we don’t ask the tough questions like: Why? This episode is a DOOZY! I skipped some, but going through every episode is exhausting.

Sweet Brown! You sweet goddess are you ever right!

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN DA HOUSE!!!

"I prescribe two shots of Tequila Por favor!"

"Xena, lets roll play!"

Xena and Gabrielle are headed to Athens for a romantic night out, but I bet you couldn't guess…OMG a war. A civil war! Xena casually mentions it's Aries favorite kind. (I know what somebody is getting for their birthday!!) They keep on creeping in the woods so they don’t disturb the soldiers.

In the 90's bloody battle was often shot in blur vision for dramatic  effect.

That's when they run into their girl Ephiny!! Whaaaaa……she is in a state! Girl done and got her self preggers.

"What brings you to the civil war? Shopping?"

Don’t worry! She is married she also casually mentions Phantes, and by casually I mean he was murdered and do we remember that he is a Centaur? I’ll let that one sink in. Here is an equation Amazon+Centaur(doin it)=X  Please solve for X.

Xena (being the sort of lady she is) wants peace between the two quarreling war parties. She injures a man then takes him, Gabrielle, and our future Mother to a healing temple. The soldier reveals that he is high rank and Xena is like "errr whaaaa you look like a soldier with no rank!" 

"You look like the rank of BITCH!"

When Gabrielle and Xena first get to the healing temple Ephiny is like "I am le sad, I don’t want to go on." Gabrielle gently strokes Xena’s back and rests her hand on her arm and says “Your friends and family are here now” Xena is all like you gonna have a baby girl.

^ see that?^

Ephiny is all like “Family?” Gabrielle shrugs it off cause you know pregnant women can be so absent minded! “I am your sister Amazon!” Gabrielle proclaims and Ephiny is all like “Oooooh yeah! They gave YOU the right of cast.” Seriously WTF! That was a major episode in which the main focus was the FACT that Amazons and Centaurs don’t get along and Gabrielle gets her right of cast!! Don’t you remember Ephiny? You were pissed!!! 

DERP.

Gabrielle talks Ephiny into not wanting to die with her unborn *cough* child.

We learn the wounded soldier is actually the Mitoan General when he meets up with his men they are all like "General! Hey gurl where you been!?" and he is all like shut your fucking mouths! The Generals name is Marman lol sounds like merman what a creep.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!! THE GUARD IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE!"

Xena runs off after hearing a man screaming out in pain. We find out a man child named Hippocrates (*Wink*Wink*Nod*Nod*Nudge*Nudge) is trying to move a wounded dude to an alter.They be all up in Aesculapius's healing temple. They be praying for an answer to HEAL the wounds of the sick Mutha fuckas.

"We're Hellenic Scientists"

This is how they met: Xena says “Don’t move him!” and the other man says “But we HAVE to put him on the Alter” Xena replies “What’s your name” and the guy replies “ Hippocrates” and Xena is like “If you move him he will die” so Hippocrates says “but Aesculapius God of medicine has to empower Galen with the proper power and drugs, so we HAVE to put him on the ALTER!!” that was a direct quote.

"Is that a caduceus? Or are you just not happy to see me?"

Xena wasn't buying that shit so she waltzed her self right over to Galen and says “The Gods don’t care if your men live or die.” and he looks her right in the fuckin eye and says “WHO IS THIS WOMAN!?”  I lol’d myself in a frenzy with that shit. 

He then called her a Harlot and says he doesn’t believe she could know more about healing than him. Well remember he IS talking to the Warrior Princess and you know her she a diva. 

"Oh, Shyt"

When suddenly a man who can’t breathe comes in... Xena is all like "Get me cloth and a hallow reed!!"So she totally MacGyvers the shit out of it and uses a Hallow Reed, that breast Dagger she stole from Gabrielle, some cob webs, a dash of hope, and some cloth! Boom man is saved. Lets look at that play by play shall we?

"What the fuck!"

Okay now that we have the set up....Xena teaches Hippocrates that every problem in life can basically be healed with some cobwebs, a hallow reed, and a touch of love. SO now the moment we have all been waiting for!

Xena cuts a mans leg off.

Then a strange man talks Gabrielle into going out in the war zone to find his son. Xena really should let Gabrielle have that breast dagger! Damn! Gabrielle comes back all injured like. 

"Uhhhh Xena that breast dagger?"

NOW THE MOMENT WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!! As the war starts....
Ephiny goes into labor!!!!! Xena grabs some Hallow reeds, some cobwebs, and a touch of love. Cuts a beast out of the WOMAN!!

LOL moment Ephiny is all going into labor and Xena asks "What's wrong" LOL Xena you try having maritals with a horse bottom and then ask what's wrong! Picture time!!

Basically it's the most fucked up shit ever! WTF!! Can you imagine!!! So much going on in this episode I can't even fathom! So now Gabrielle is dying. This is the first of many MANY! *hint* like every episode. Where Xena tells Gabrielle she can't live with out her.
The General learned himself a lesson.  Gabrielle is sort of dead....Again i'll just play it out in pictures.

Okay, so Gabrielle is alive. She is finally better wakes up and looks over at the Centaur Baby. She was lucky enough to have been dead through that.

So if there is anything we have learned it's that child birth is disgusting.

And Xena loves to look at Gabrielles boobs.