Xena Season 1 Episode 11: The Black Wolf

There are terrible episodes in a series and then there is this...

So this episode starts off with a terrible title “The Black Wolf”. See what I mean? Some of these earlier episodes are really hit or miss. It opens with some tax collectors shaking down a family for some silver coins and the family is all “Ahhh how we supposed to make a living” and the tax collectors are like “Send your women to the street.” Really a much different tone since the last episode but hey this was the 90’s.

Hi kids remember me?

A group of Ninjas come seemingly out of nowhere and begin to attack the tax collectors. Sort of Power Rangerish if you ask me which you didn’t so I am telling you it’s totally like Power Rangerish. 

Identity concealed! 

The 90's were all about NinJAS!!

We find out that these “Ninjas” call themselves The Black Wolves. Of course the King comes out and addresses the towns folk about how they would all be punished blah, blah, blah Black Wolf something blah. He threatens the town to give up their local hero or he will send them all to work in the fields. So a cross between Ryan Gosling and Sean Penn pipes up and says it’s him. The town people ain’t having it so they all start saying they are the Black Wolf. WATCH OUT. I feel the main story coming on. 

If you add two movie stars together you get a guy that looks like
he would steal your Mom's TV for meth.

So the King or the leader of the tax collectors tells them they are all arrested and they have 7 days or he will kill them all.

Only reason Xena headed to the town was she and Argo needed some new shoes. WOMEN BE SHOPPIN. Am I right?

"OMG I cannot believe you fit so much dead fish in there!"

Well, there was some commotion because some rich ladies daughter be in the dungeon. She got bitch slapped by a guard and of course you know Xena and her Damsels. She goes and beats the SHIT out of the guards. Turns out Xena knows that old broad. The amounts of coincidences that happen on this show AMAZE me. It’s like somebody wrote it like that!

"Will you stop getting the shit kicked out of you I'am trying to shop!"

I guess the king in this episode is named Xerxes not the Persian but if they are named Xerxes they must all have dungeons. Anyways, Xena promises this lady to get her daughter out of Jail. Strangely enough we have yet to see a Gabrielle in this episode. Curious, very curious. 

They show the King bitching about the Black Wolves and he has a striking resemblance to Peter Jennings. Anyways, Xena goes and talks to him and they come up with a plan that the King hilariously named Xerxes will pay Xena 10,000 for the Black Wolf and give her a new pair O shoes.

He just LOOKS like a Xerxes

Get this man some Just for Men and he can play Xerxes

 Ain’t that quite the deal? So Xena puts on a show gets arrested and sent to the dungeon. Would you believe Gabrielle shows up and has to pay for Argos new shoes and gets told Xena is in the dungeon? We all see where this is going right? Anyway down in the dungeon Sean Gosling is acting all tough. His GF totally like knows Xena and says that Xena taught her how to use a sword (which she refuses to teach Gabrielle) and also taught her how to embroider. When Sean Gosling says “You sew” Xena is all like “I have many skills.” Except of course teaching her sidekick whom she consistently puts in dangerous situations and leaves to fend on her own how to defend herself…just saying.  All I know is don’t dis Xena’s sewing abilities. 

She also does macrame ---many skills

Gabrielle is wearing a new hat BTW. What a fashionista! Gabrielle is trying to get thrown into the dungeon but is interrupted by guess who…. Salmoneus! 

Gabrielle gets him thrown in the dungeon he gets blamed throwing a tomato at a guard. Gabrielle eventually gets herself thrown in the dungeon and has a heartfelt reunion with a woman I like to call Xena. She’s a warrior princess but I bet you've never heard of her.

Well shit is happening in the dungeon and Gabrielle gets down in there and starts looking for her “Friend” Xena. Whom she describes as “tall and beautiful” cause you know friend stuff.

See that LOOK on Xena's face! HOLY SHIT! She is also not happy about the hat.

Gabrielle reveals her stupid hat is actually Xena’s Chakram and her stylish belt is *GASP* Xena’s whip. That’s a straight shooter we have on our management team Tom. Oh and Salamoneus is like that’s the little twink that got me down here in the first place. Xena is all like that’s my friend and he is all like whaaa you have friends is she a warrior and starts touching Gabrielle's arm. Xena is all hands off of the lady man. Gabrielle makes a joke about his hands on her tomatoes and Xena was not havin that. She gave him the I am going to beat the shit out of you look....little possessive there Xena? Anyway, Xena didn’t want to explain the story and neither do I. BTW---the girl that’s in cahoots with The Black Wolves is a terrible actress along with Ryan Penn just some of the worse acting I have seen on this show p.s the shows acting is not remarkable. She reminds me a bit of a less hot version of Kristin Stewart.  

Also Fuck this episode….Xena gets everyone out. Gabrielle’s hair looks more red than blonde to me. Gabrielle is probably one of my favorite characters of all time. She plays the sidekick so well. P.S. it was the woman she was the black wolf. Jesus H. Christ. Ugghhh…not the best episode indeed. 

It was me ya'll

1:10 Hooves and harlots

One of my favorite parts of this blog is that it's like totally 2000's fansite like. Right? BADASS!

They meet up with the Amazons and they say to Xena you are not an Amazon girl but you know our ways (I’ll say) they look at Gabrielle and say you are really not one of us (not yet)

Xena, we have been trying to get you to these woods for years!

Xena and Gabrielle just want to go through the woods the Amazons live in. The Amazons are just like the Corporate world, have to go to management to approve that request. So they take them to see their queen Melosa.

The numbers look good, and we could probably save some money on the rental....but we still need  the VP to sign off.

Gabrielle is telling an Amazon woman that she always wanted to study science and philosophy and that she wasn’t considered a “normal” girl in her village. Damn women be all tryin to learn.

You're a really good "listener"

The Amazon woman said that those are the very first things taught to young Amazons(yea, that's what I tell women i'm trying to bang too. Math and stuff that shit is awesome! I totally know how to divide fractions). She said it’s a man’s world because we let them have it. Oh shit ain’t that some truth. Where my Oprah book club sistahs at right?

Philosophy, is my philosophy! (watch out there is a MAN BEHIND YOU!! HE TRYIN TO TAKE YOUR WORLD)

We get some very nice Xena sass! An amazon is staring at her and Xena said “is there something you find interesting about me?” She says “yes”, and Xena asks if she is planning on telling her and the woman says “no”. Xena says then stop staring at me before I poke your eyes out. Ooooh girl there’s a fight a brewing!! 

When suddenly arrows start flying in and the Amazons retreat into the trees Xena is deflecting arrows with her sword and the Amazon Gabrielle was talking with gets hit and falls from the tree her name is Terais the woman not the tree. Gabrielle shields the woman with her own body. 

Uhh, Gabrielle can we do this ya know when I am not dying?

The woman is dying and tells Gabrielle that she did only what an Amazon would do for another Amazon. She gives her, her right of CAST!!! Shit that is some important information in the XENAVERSE!!

We only knew each for like 5 min and she gave me everything. I think this relationship is moving to fast. 

So they go back to the amazon village

And they meet Queen.Melosa and she tells Xena and Gabrielle because they tried to save one of the Amazons they have safe passage. She tells them to hurry the fuck up and get out because they will be at war soon. WHEN SUDDENLY a captured centaur is brought it, he looks hilarious. The queen tells him he has till morning then she going to make him into glue. He says his name is Phantes and he makes himself sound like someone important.  Xena mentions that she doesn’t like centaurs.

Your passports and visas seem to be in check.

Actually, this totally is foreshadowing..sexually

Xena asks what the Amazons issue with the centaurs is. The queen says cause they gross, and they just nasty. She also mentions that they want their land. Gabrielle asks Xena why she doesn’t like the Centaurs and Xena says cause she fought them in battle. Gabrielle says makes sense if you defeated them in battle. Yea, Gabby makes shit tons of sense. Xena corrects Gabrielle though and says she fought them but she never defeated them.

Ephiny comes up to Gabrielle as Xena walked away and casually asks “you didn’t mention the whole right of cast thing to your friend?” THEN they light the body of the dead girl on fire.

Xena asks the Centaur if he killed the girl, the Centaur keeps deflecting. Xena mentions his father’s name and said she doubted his son is a killer. The Centaur is too proud to answer. The Next scene is a guy with a trying way too hard to look cool chin strap. Talking to queen Melosa he just wanted to tell her he doesn’t care about the war if it should happen. Xena comes in and the guy leaves the queen says his name is Cracus and he is a warlord. Xena asks the queen not to start a war and The queen is like war what war? I am just executing a murderer, Xena is like Phantes is son of the Centaur leader. She is like well if he wants to start a war aint my beef. This queen be trippin!!

My, Mom says it looks stupid. I think SHE IS STUPID

Remember me? I'M DA QUEEN

Xena tells Gabrielle she is going to go talk to the Centaurs. Click your hoof once for yes and twice for no. I kid I kid. Gabrielle of course gets left again but this time with the amazons.
Gabrielle turns to Ephiny and the Queen and says like a little snot “Are we going to talk about this right of cast thing or what?” Instead of slapping the shit out Gabrielle the Queen says Terais last wish that all her belongings and her status belong to Gabrielle now. She tells Gabrielle that she was her true blood sister. Gabrielle says “I am an amazon now?” The Queen corrects her and says “You are an Amazon Princess” Hold your hats girls we done and have two princesses on our hands now. You think the screen is big enough for the two of them?

Xena goes into Centaur land and they start fighting her she throws him against a tree and then he can’t breathe. She meets Tildes the Leader and he tells Xena he can treat him but if the Centaur dies she dies. She treats him and does some crazy work. She saves him.

We see Gabrielle getting dressed by some amazons it takes two to tango I guess. Ephiny comes in a said come now. Quite the demand, Gabrielle sasses her and says you must have me mistaken for a pet. Gabrielle isn’t the most tactical when it comes to emotions. She doesn’t quite understand that their almost leader made a nobody, a somebody and people don’t quite take too kindly to that. Ephiny changes her tone but looks pissed because she has to teach the new girl all the stuff like how to fight and what not. Gabrielle picks out her fighting staff, for which she has for a long time.

The fondling really IS necessary 

The face really says it doesn't it?

Xena is talking to Tildes and she is trying to talk him out of war he tells her he still don’t trust her. Says they are still enemies not frienemies but total enemies and that Xena needs to leave not before telling her his army is going to attack by noon. Xena warns him that he is playing into 3rd parties hand of those that want the war and that she doesn't believe his son killed anyone.

We are so NOT frenemies

Gabrielle is practicing her sticking. Not quite getting it, Ephiny comes in and asks how she is doing and Gabrielle is like better it’s kinda fun when it works. Ephiny gives her demonstration on how to snap a neck with a stave. Then said still fun. WHAT A BITCH.

You like to fight? I'll show you a fight

We see the Centaur trying to escape and Ephiny comes in with a sword to his neck. He is like whaa how you get in here? Long story short she says she had a friend who didn’t think centaurs were so bad. He is like so where is she. Ephiny is like you killed her. He tells her he didn’t he swears on his father’s name. Then says not that the word of a Centaur means anything to you. She says not to most and leaves.

You have know idea where this leads....

Ephiny then goes on to attack Xena and Xena is like Ephiny don’t be dumb. Then she falls from the tree and a random Centaur comes in a attacks her and Xena saves the day. Xena is like shit girl why you following me. Ephiny tells Xena she isn’t she said Terais was killed here she just wanted to take another looksey. She asks Xena why she saved her and the Centaur. Xena said cause if either die then the war can’t be stopped. Ephiny says Terais is already dead. Xena tells her not by a centaur and says that Cracaus the warlord did it cause he gains from the war. Xena goes and shows Ephany the evidence that it wasn’t a centaur that killed her friend. Xena says look here while looking on the Ground Ephiny picks up some horse poop and says theres hay in here and Centaurs don’t eat hay. Xena says right…I was talking about the hoove prints. Ephiny is like ok just as good.

Meanwhile Gabrielle is dancing with the Amazons.

Let's get it started IN HERE!

She finds out she is the one that’s going to have to kill Phantes.

I'm still a virgin...a blood virgin

Xena and Ephiny find evidence that prove weird chin guy is behind the murder. Just before Gabrielle was supposed to kill Phantes Xena and Ephiny come back with the Evidence. Xena hasn’t seen Gabrielle since she has been inaugurated as amazon princess and asks “What’s this?” when she see’s her Gabrielle tells her she is an amazon now. Xena says “Great”

I was going to tell you about the whole me being an "Amazon" but I was still figuring things out.

She hands Gabrielle a pouch and Gabrielle looks in it and there is a clump of dirt. Xena says theres hay sprouts in there Centaurs don’t eat hay. Gabrielle realizes she is touching poop.

She hands Gabrielle a pouch and Gabrielle looks in it and there is a clump of dirt. Xena says theres hay sprouts in there Centaurs don’t eat hay. Gabrielle realizes she is touching poop. The Queen says it proves nothing, and to go ahead with the execution. Xena challenges the Queen. The Queen says that only a person of lineage or Amazon can challenge. Xena hints to Gabrielle to challenge the Queen. Gabrielle challenges the Queen. Melosa asks Gabrielle if she really wants to fight to the death. Gabrielle says no. Ephiny tells Gabrielle to choose her weapon or her champion. She chooses you Pikachu. Just kidding she chose Xena. The queen says if she wins they all die including Ephiny. Ephiny tells Xena some pointers and Gabrielle says Xena knows how to fight she has seen her fight a million times. Ephiny says Gabrielle is really annoying and asks Xena how she puts up with her. Xena says cause she has a nice ass. No but I am sure that’s what we are all thinking. Gabrielle says Xena puts up with her just fine. Xena ignores them and tells Ephiny if she loses to get Gabrielle out of there. Xena chooses chobos as the weapon I am thinking cause it’s the most hilarious sounding of the weaponry and she and The Queen start fighting. IT’S ON GIRL! Then Xena beats the Queen to death. JK---she get's Melosa to see who the real enemy is and they beat the weird chin hair dude. Gabrielle tells Xena hey you're a princess, and I am a princess soooo I guess we'll be princesses together.... That's pretty much it.

1:9 Death in Chains

We start the episode off at Dracula’s castle. JK its Sisyphus’s castle and that boy got something up his sleeves. His wife be all like boy this is foolish and he is like girl I know what’s I am doing. We find out he is going to die and that he is going to steal death so that he doesn’t well…DIE.

Nothing Fucked up going on here

So death show’s up and she is HOT and he traps her cause she must have been hungry cause he was like have something to eat and she was ok. We find out that she needs to hold her candle otherwise it will burn out and then no one will die. Sisyphus is like I can handle that. 

So now I can't eat or have my candle?

Gabrielle and Xena are walking through a meadow they see a young couple kissing. Gabrielle says, gee their having fun, and states she doesn’t envy them. She says what does she have that I don’t besides love. Poor little Gabby HEY HER OUTFIT IS DIFFERENT!!

See duck lips Gabby it's all about Duck lips

Bitch Please!

Of course some bad dudes show up and then Xena kills the leader only that boy don’t die. ZOMBIES!!! Ahhhh! An earthquake happens, and Xena pulls out her sword LOL you can’t fight mother nature BITCH. Only it was just Hades coming to earth to tell Xena his sister death had been captured and he needed Xena to go save her. 

Yo Xena go save my Sister I got shit to do

So Gabrielle and Xena head off to get death at Sisyphus’s Dracula layer. They come across a group of people who are suffering. Xena gives them aspirin. Gabrielle meets a boy.  The bad guys from the beginning show back up, and are like we zombies now. Xena is like I know idiots. She gets rid of em and then the bad guy goes back to his posse of bad guys and they stab each other cause they won’t die. Major story flaw the reason Xena needs to free Death is to stop suffering. But the bad guys in this episode can stab each other and feel little to no pain. Just saying.

Everyone else feels pain. I felt pain before pain was felt.

Gabrielle asks Xena what she thinks of her new guy friend. She just rolls her eyes. Says he’s nice, and Gabrielle boasts he is way more than nice. Xena is like fine he’s more than nice and tells her to go with him to the hospital. Xena is going on without them. Gabrielle and her boy toy are at the hospital but Gabrielle can’t seem to stop thinking about Xena. So they go after her. 

Yea, he's great.

Xena meets up with Sisyphus and sees death and is all like boy you crazy let death go he is like I can’t I don’t want to die. Then puts her down a trap door, Gabrielle and the boyfriend get separated cause the castle be full of traps he ends up with Xena and the Zombie dudes are after them in the castle. The boy grew up in the castle cause his mama used to work for the king. That was just a SIDENOTE! 

My friend who is way more capable of handling herself needs me!

Gabby is hiding from the zombie dude when a rat almost RATS on her. Then you see Xena and the boy escaping and then a bunch of rats fall on them oh Rats!

Fuck ThIS!

No FUCK THIS!

Sisyphus’s wife does not like the idea of death hanging around the house so she helps Xena. We find out that the boy Gabrielle is in love with is going to die. He was just heading back to see the area one last time. Tear.

What a lovely home.

What is love Baby don't hurt me.

Xena meets up with King Sisyphus and convinces him to let death go. When the zombie dudes break in and start shit, so she has to deal with that. Of course she wins.  Death is released and is able to do her thing. 

I don't want to leave my money with you!

Gabrielle finds out that her man candy is going to die she is a little pissed but she gets over it. Sisyphus goes with death and so does Gabrielle’s man. She is upset in Xena’s arms and that is literally how the episode ends.

Take Xena!!!

I am more upset than I should be