1:8 Prometheus

This is Xena’s first suicide missions, and guest stars a very Tan Kevin Sorbo as Hercules. We begin the episode the only way they have been a bunch of bad guys come out of nowhere and are looksin for trouble. They come upon a sleeping Gabrielle and Xena. A guy goes up to Xena’s bed roll and smashes down with his sword and proudly proclaims he KILLED XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS!! He pulls up what he thought was a severed head but oh gurl it be a FRUIT. Watermelon. OH shit that boy be crazy going around mistaken fruit for people.

She's a Witch

Meanwhile Xena be up on a branch and she actually kills the guys with tons of kicks and punches to the neck. Gabrielle slept thru the whole thing. When she woke she saw Xena performing some type of procedure on the bad guy.

I only know the killing him version of saving him

Xena needed to cut a new airway since this guy’s windpipe had been severed. Next you see them at an inn and the guy Xena hurt starts to die then you see a guy getting chained. Then two people at the inn die. Xena says Prometheus has been chained and now they are losing the gifts he gave mankind. The inn keeper says like fire? And Xena is all like the ability to heal ourselves. Wow she sure know’s a lot without having any information presented to her. That’s the set up now Xena is telling Gabrielle she needs to go see some oracles. They get to the oracle place and the Oracles be dancing like harlots.

Who run the world?

The main oracle lady asks Xena what she will give and Xena is like shit? I forgot dollar bills, girls I was gonna make it rain tonight!

I take cash only

Really, Xena is like what ? The oracle is asks a finger a lock of hair, a hand? Xena says bitch your crazy!? The oracle says you wanna free Prometheus right? Xena is like oh yea right. The Oracle asks her again “what will you give, Damn open your ears” Xena says her life and so the oracle says we will see and makes Xena put her head in a giant snake skull, to do a strength test. She is pulling a chain inside the snake skeleton. We see the oracle put fire on the rope that’s holding the giant snake mouth open, it be a test of time GIRL!

That prize is MINE

Xena is reaching for a tablet inside the snake skeleton. The Snake’s mouth snaps shut and Xena almost had the prize but it was ruined The oracles are like cool you almost lost a hand and Xena like shit girls I ain’t got time for games. They be all like we had to know you were serious. They tell Xena she needs to get a sword in a cave. Xena goes back out to Gabrielle who is really excited to see her then she talks all dark and wants to know where Gabrielle would be if she didn’t travel with her Gabrielle said she would become a bard and Xena wants to know if there is a place to study that. Gabrielle said that there is a school in Athens for a bard academy. Xena leaves Gabrielle in a trader’s tent, where she ends up meeting Eolis and he starts talking about Hercules. Xena bursts in and grabs Gabrielle and pulls a sword on him. Gabrielle is confused and is all like what the hell, and so is the audience. Gabrielle is like shit Xena calm the fuck down he is with Hercules and Xena is like precisely. They leave.

Excuse my friend she can be a real bitch

Then we see chained up Prometheus having a convo with Hera’s eyes.

I know you've read 50 shades of grey but can we do it regular this time?

Eolis and Hercules are arguing about why he and Xena cannot get along.

Can you believe by copying the dark haired hero and blonde sidekick but making them girls worked?

Turns out the special sword can cut the chains but whoever strikes the blow dies. Did I mention the sword? Xena had to go to the Oracles to find out about the special sword. Cause it can cut through Prometheus’s chains. So now it all makes sense. Remember from the beginning if you get a cut you could die from a small wound because humans can no longer heal themselves. Xena and Gabrielle are in a barn when Hera’s men attack them. But right before that Xena was telling Gabrielle about her past with Eolis and Hercules, she was in to some really freaky shit. She was telling her how she isn’t like most girls. Gabrielle seems to be all over that shit. Hercules and Eolis come in and they all fight Hera’s men. Xena and Hercules decide to work together, but still don’t know who would be the one to break the chains. Eolis tells Gabrielle about the sword and Hercules gauntlets how they were forged specially and that they can cut Prometheus’s chains. He tells Gabrielle he is going to catch up with her. HE reveals that he is actually a HORSE! Just kidding boy has been wounded.

Shit someone have a tampon?

Xena and Hercules are catching up, and Hercules is letting her know that he has heard that she is good now. Since this is the first season she tributes her do gooding to Hercules. They are still fighting over who gets to die over freeing Prometheus. Hercules reveals he has feelings for Xena and Xena doesn’t feel worthy.

Seriously? your're not taking my tan legit?

The four of them start going into the caves they say they go up to the top of the mountain. Gabrielle is talking a lot and being adorable. Xena and Hercules seem to be annoyed with her and move fast. Gabrielle and Eolis are hanging back seems there are some sparks flying. This is literally making me gag.

Why do they even bother bringing us in these situations?

Eolis falls behind and Gabrielle finds out that he is hurt. He convinces Gabrielle not to tell Hercules and Xena. Gabrielle obviously thinks he is an idiot now. They move on. Then suddenly the cave starts collapsing in on itself. I think it’s a ploy to show us Hercules is strong cause he stops a boulder from blocking their path. Then they all find out that Eolis is hurt. Lucy Lawless’s acting in the beginning of the series is terrible. Xena wants to know why he didn’t tell them. Xena tells him he has to stay there if he has any chance of making it. Eolis in a hilarious bout of act quickly chirps I CAN MAKE IT. Gabrielle announces she will stay with him and Xena looks very sad. Xena says goodbye to Gabrielle without saying anything. Hercules says goodbye to Eolis but says too many things.

Baby I dedicate this Melissa Etheridge song to you 

Xena and Hercules are now having a heart to heart as they make their way to Prometheus. Shit they are taking for f’ing ever. Xena tells Herc that she thanks him for making her a better person yadda yadda yadda… Hercules uses the ol’ you make me feel like my dead wife did trick they kiss. Xena reaches for the sword, heheh. Hercules says you tricky bitch! Just kidding he says she never gives up and neither does he and walks away. Aaahhh hell.

The ol reach for the sword trick

Meanwhile Eolis isn’t doing too good. He tells Gabrielle to deliver a message to Xena of no hard feelings and that he proud to have known her. Obviously, Xena is not harboring any resentments since she be mackin on his best friend. All the while Gabrielle is talking about how great Xena is and is wondering what Xena see’s in her. Oh Gabrielle we all know what Xena see’s in you. Eolis says he sees it too; she looks perplexed by this obviously. He tells her she has a pure heart. Oh yea, that’s what they see. Suddenly the gift of fire goes out. Coincidently, the same time Xena and Hercules gets to the top of the mountain. Xena hit’s Hercules on the top of the head with her sword but not before telling him that Gabrielle wants to go to an academy for bards in Athens. Now he out cold.

Xena steals the magic sword; I really forget the name of it which is strange it should be the most important part of the episode. She gives Hercules one last kiss. Now that I am re-watching the series I think it is incredibly funny that they try and make Xena seem straight in the beginning. Hercules wakes up and is all the aaahhh man, and goes after Xena. Gabrielle is telling Eolis a story, which I happen to really enjoy it’s same one in Hedwig and the angry inch. She tells him in the beginning everyone had 4 legs and 2 heads, and the God’s threw down thunderbolts and split everyone in two. So everyone now has two legs and one head. (Unless you’re a freak of nature and have no heads) But that the separation left people feeling a need to be rejoined cause people still shared the same soul. THUS SOULMATES dun dun. Xena walks in to an area with giant eggs. When suddenly those EGGS start hatching up a storm. And trust me these ain’t yo mama’s eggs.

It only takes one egg to feed a village these were different times then

They have grown men inside them, trying to kill a warrior princess. Dudes don’t you know she is ROYALTY?

Let me scramble your eggs baby

Hercules starts helping her fight, and then would you know it? A giant ass bird done and steals Xena .

I could go for some hooters wings right about now

As she is soaring through the air Xena uses a rope to tie herself to the bird and then begins to fall.

They didn't have science then

The bird looks hilarious, and Xena gets thrown against the rock wall. She then flips up and stabs the bird right in the fucking neck.

Fuck this Bitch

The bird does not care for this very much. Xena throws the magic sword down and Hercules deflects it with a rock, it richotes off it and hit’s one of Prometheus’s chains freeing one of his arms. Xena jumps off dying bird beast and Hercules catches her. He says something stupid “nice of you to drop in” Prometheus is able to free himself.

If you look closely you can see Xena, that what I love about this show the attention to detail

They get fire back, and Eolis is now better and now we see Xena and Hercules walk off and Gabrielle is tending to Eolis’s wound. He tells her it can’t take much more attention. She tells him it was nice getting to know him. He kisses her and then we all head off to puke city.

I love how you LOOK so much older then me

This is waaaay to much strawberry blond featheredness for this lady

Xena and Hercules say good bye I think they kissed but I am still trying to get over the Gabrielle and Eolis kiss. Gabrielle and Xena head off into the sunset and Hercules and Eolis watch them. SO how is that for coming back from a Hiatus? Pretty fantastic right?