Season 1:1-Sins Of the Past

Sins of the past: The episode starts off with Xena on her horse coming up to a village. Ghost sounds of her past war lording supposed to be dead people chanting her name. Xena looks a bit confused. 

What the hell is that noise?

A boy still in the village tells Xena about how a war lord named Xena, destroyed his village by shooting fire from her mouth like a GODDAMN Godzilla. He must have been fucking stupid because he WAS talking to Xena in the Flesh and blood! He then has the balls to ask her for some food! So she says “Food is scarce everywhere, no one has anything to spare.” Xena being the nice human she is gave the boy some bread because she is an ANGEL for fucks sake!

Xena goes to a woodland field area and starts to undress! Never mind, she is just removing her amour. She begins to bury it using wood chips you find on a play ground or something but times were different then.

That's what they called burying the hatchet in ancient times

All the sudden you hear a bunch of scared women screaming and for the very first time a young Gabrielle says “NO take me, leave the others.” Oh Gabby you are too nice! She says this to a bunch of guys trying to look like back up dancers for a shitty off Broadway play.

We will be performing in "Girls, Girls,Girls" a Motley Crue Bio-play 

They were trying to kidnap the women in the Village---remember this IS a family friendly show. 

I want your women. 

Xena comes in and starts kicking some ASS. She then graces our ears for the first time with her trade mark “lalalallalala” scream or whatever. Remember that poorly buried armor? It just so happens they are fighting right over it! Holy shit! Right? Talk about wacky coinkydinks, anyways Xena was able to vanquish them. Not before learning the henchmen are working for a dude named Draco. She says to the lead guy in the bunch “Tell Draco Xena says hello.” and roll opening credits!

This is a village I just burned.

The next scene starts off by Xena getting her hair did by Gabrielle's Mother and Sister.

Is this really necessary?

Gabrielle comes in and begins to tell Xena how amazing she is at fighting, and says she needs to teach her how to do that. (Xena will certainly teach her a thing or two.) Oh Gabrielle, you little scamp you! Gabrielle’s Dad comes in like a douche bag and tells Xena she needs to get a move on and tells her not to take too long.

Gabrielle's Dad doesn't like Lesbians.

Perhaps Gabrielle’s Dad knows a little thing or two about Gabrielle? Then Gabrielle’s fiancé comes in and tells her they should go but it was more let “let’s go” but Gabrielle with her strong spirit says “Just because we are betrothed doesn't give you the right to boss me around.” in true 90’s fashion shall we say GIRL POWER. 

Nothing Says female revolution like catchy pop tunes
coming from scantily clad women.

"I want to slap the shit right out of you!"

Then we hear the line that will make it into Xena herstory! The set up: Gabrielle sits in front of Xena and says, “You’ve got to take me with you! Teach me everything you know! You can’t leave me here.” Xena asks “why?” I was sort of surprised that Gabrielle didn’t just slap her right in the fucking mouth. Xena did meet Gabrielle’s family right? Gabrielle tells Xena she isn't “cut out for village life.”

Really? You have no idea why I want to leave?

I’ll say it’s not the place for a little lezzy like her. Xena of course says “No.” And Gabrielle isn’t happy about getting married and Xena says he seems “fine.” Gabrielle thinks he is dumb, and figures out that Xena is heading for Amphipolis. She tries to figure out which way Xena is heading and tells Xena she studies maps. Xena warns her she better not follow but the wheels are already turning in Gabrielle’s head.

Now we see Draco for the first time and there are dudes shooting arrows at him. WHAAA! This scene is designed to show us how badass Draco is, of course I am assuming. I believe they are trying to show us that he is a comparable adversary. How could someone with that stupid of hair compare in any way to Xena?

Do you like the basket I weaved on my head?
I did it myself.

Xena shows up in Draco’s War lordy tent and it becomes obvious there was some sort of past between the two (good lordy shall we say sexual tension?) She says that she knows his men were in a village and asks Draco to spare it. (PSssst it was Gabrielle’s village.)  I guess Gabrielle did get through to Xena after all.

This is what a mans face feels like? Bleck

Nice wig, whats it made out of?

Draco says he could spare the village if Xena would war lord with him. He gets pissed when Xena says “no.” Draco in a puke filled moment says “I have dreamt of being with you in love, or against you in battle. You won’t give me the satisfaction of either.” It’s like duh! Have you seeeeen Gabrielle? 

He says this as he has a knife on Xena’s throat but his hand looks weird. He knows the way to a woman’s heart I guess..

Xena naturally does not take him seriously. He tells her he will spare the village for old times’ sake. She tells him she is going home and he tells her how it ain’t gonna work and his daddy beat him with a hammer. (Can we say Daddy issues?) What a cry baby! Sheesh! Xena says goodbye to him.

We see Gabrielle and her sister are sleeping in their beds. Gabrielle checks to make sure her sister is still sleeping and gets out of bed. She tries to be sneaky like.

Of course lovable Gabrielle is a bit clumsy and bumps into stuff. (Side note; is this story not like Beauty and The Beast? Gabrielle the Village girl AKA Bell feels she doesn’t belong in a village full of idiots and the guy that wants her is dumb. Meets Xena kind of a beast (hotter version) and the rest is herstory.) 

Shit!

Gabrielle tells her sister Lilla she is leaving to go be a warrior like Xena. Her sister laughs and says “Gabrielle, I can beat you up.” Gabrielle tells her she is strong for her age. (Meaning Gabrielle is the older of the two. I would say Gabrielle is probably like 17 here?) So they say their goodbyes and Gabrielle leaves. 

Girl, you do's what you gotz too!

Xena is on her way to Amphipolis and she finds herself a Cyclops and he is one uggo.

I have a .200 BA not bad for a blind Cyclops.

Her horse runs off. We find out Xena blinded the Cyclops. We also find out he likes to eat people. Xena teases him a bit and then leaves, but how she gets her horse back is beyond me. We go back to Draco’s tent and see him plotting something against Xena they are looking for her trail. He tells his men when they get into Amphipolis “torch everything” then blame it on Xena. AWWWW shit son this dude be plotting!

Gabrielle also runs in to the Cyclops but he traps her in a wooden cage.

We get to see Gabrielle’s powers of persuasion for the first time. The Cyclops wants to eat her but she tells him she is looking for Xena. He says to her “Gaaaaahhhh! I hate Xena.” Gabrielle’s like “right? Me too! I am going to kill her.” He is like “how is a young thing like you going to kill her.” (Subtext for the first time) Gabrielle’s response “Xena would never let a man close enough to do her well at least not that kind of do her, but an innocent looking girl like me I’ll catch her totally off guard. I’ll cut her evil throat, hack off her Cyclops blinding hands.” Dude is like sweet “can you bring me her leg!?” And Gabrielle is like “She has two doesn’t she?” This is why the Cyclops is dumb he easily traps Gabrielle and thinks she would be able to kill the woman who left him blind? Anyway, he lets Gabrielle go.


We go back to Xena and see her riding through some woods. Draco’s men are following her…very closely. Obviously, they underestimated how awesome she is because she easily maneuvers around them and gets right behind their captain. He isn’t very good at being the captain of the bad guys. 

Is that nobody behind me?

She gets does a flip knocks him off his horse and put’s the "pinch" on him.

Oh, Shit son! 

She tells him “I’ve just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You’ll be dead in 20 seconds unless I res you. Now why are you following me….10 seconds…”The guy wisely tells her Draco sent him and plans to burn her home valley. She takes the pinch off him and tells him he will regain feeling in a few minutes then runs off.

Gabrielle is now lying in the middle of a road till a man in wagon pulls up.

Jackpot, She is unconscious!

She was just playing possum and asks the old man where he is heading and he says “Amphipolis.” She gets really happy at hearing this and tells the man she had been lying there for hours praying to Hermes to send someone travelling to Amphipolis. The man giggles at this and says anyone on this road would be heading to Amphipolis. Gabrielle replies “Not one who is a kindly old man who will give me a ride?” He tells her no cause he doesn’t have any room.

Is that a giant carriage carrying hay?

She tells him if he gives her a ride her father will give him a hefty reward. He asks who her father is and she tells him it’s Dolan, and he asks “The Horse breeder?” and she says “Yes! He has the best horses in Thrace.” He laughs and tells her “There aren’t any horse traders in Amphipolis it’s all sheep country.” He starts climbing back on his carriage or whatever it’s called. She starts telling him she is great travelling companion and she knows how to sing, can recite poems with passion, and reveals she had lessons from a travelling Bard. She then starts telling a story about King Oedipus and says he is the most tragic of men. The old man was like “oh hell nah, that just ain’t true girl; I knew him, well heard of him and know differently. You better come with me and hear the truth.” And that my friend is how Gabrielle gets herself a ride to Amphipolis. She is already two for two for talking her way into things.

Somewhere under a rainbow is Xena on her horse again! Man this woman takes the scenic route!

Here we are in Amphipolis finally, Shit!

I'd rather live in the apartments in the upper left hand corner.

Xena goes into a tavern and finds her Momma. She pulls out Xena’s sword and points it at her and freaks everyone the fuck out.

Xena! Would you quit scaring people?

Nothing to worry about though; she just tells Xena weapons aren’t welcome in her tavern on that note neither is Xena. Xena’s Mom start’s cleaning (like women do) and wants to know what Xena is doing there. Xena tries to tell her Mother that Draco is marching on the valley (NOT like marching band but like murder band). Her Mom knows her plans and says “You need to borrow a few men for an army?” Xena says that if they act now they can defeat Draco and his men. Her mother and the people in the tavern want none of that. Xena’s Mother tells her to get lost and that she is no longer her Mother. Awwww man parents just don’t understand!

Draco is back in his layer/war tent or whatever you want to call it. He is scolding the guy Xena put the pinch on. By scolding I mean killing.

This armor isn't knife proof!

Xena is back in her Mother’s tavern and tells her she wants to come home. Her Mom tells her that she has brought to much shame to her kinsmen. Xena tells her Mother she is going to spend the rest of her life trying to make up for it. Her Mother says she wishes she could believe her. If wishes were horses we would all be stable masters? Am I right? Anyway; the other villagers come in at that moment they inform Xena that she needs to pay cause her Army is burning their village.

Derp,Derp,Derp

Xena tries to explain it’s not her it’s Draco. The villagers ask “why are they carrying your colors and chanting your name?” Sort of a legit question but Xena remembers how dumb villagers are and doesn’t bother trying to explain. That’s when they say this is the last village you will ever see. They want to stone her to death. Xena asks what they are waiting for and to go ahead and get your revenge on, and tells them it is sweet. Nobody does anything and Xena is all like “What bitches? Is one woman to much? How about one unarmed woman?” BINGO! They prefer their women like I prefer my rednecks unarmed and defenseless.  They start hurling rocks, Gabrielle shows up just in time. She tells them if they are going to stone Xena they are going to have to stone her too. She then explains why stoning someone to death is a bad idea. Again times were different back then.

Hold up G!

An old villager man says he lost two sons because of Xena. Gabrielle explains that if is really with Draco she is probably his girlfriend. Gabrielle asks “do you think Draco would be happy if she got hurt?” She explains he’d really be pissed! She was able to convince them not to stone Xena. They tell Xena to beat it and get out of there. WOWSA! Gabrielle is now 3 for 3 on talking her way out of situations! Violence is never the answer chillins. So Gabrielle saves Xena and gets her out of the tavern not stoned to death. She follows Xena out to her horse, and says I could probably get up on the back. Oh yea you can!

Xena is all like “What are you talking about?” Gabrielle realizes that Xena doesn’t want to take her still! Gabrielle is all like “You’re not just going to leave me here?” Xena is all like that’s your problem. Gabrielle, who is very persistent, says “Hey, I just saved your life!” Xena looks all remorseful and takes Gabrielle up on her horse. Gabrielle asks where they are going and Xena says to see her brother. What Xena actually meant was to go see her dead brother! Yowsa! BTW, that is a pretty clean mausoleum; it’s nicer than the villager’s houses. Who keeps those fires lit all the time? Xena starts, talking to the coffin and says that she lost her way since he died, now no one trusts her not even their Mom. (Maybe, it’s the warlording? Just a guess) She says it’s hard to be alone, startled Xena looks behind and sees Gabrielle creeping on her. 

Knock, Knock

Gabrielle tells Xena she is not alone and they share a lil smile ahhhh. Now we are coming up to the big fight scene! Draco comes to town and the dumb villagers are standing in a giant ware house. Draco informs us the viewers that someone sent word for a meeting. The old man says that they got together a couple of loot wagons in hopes that Draco would leave them in peace.

Hows a bout a loot wagon?

Draco and his hair ain’t having none of that. The villagers plead and say that the wagons would be more valuable to him then a bunch of dead villagers. Draco is trying to sound tough and says they are not nearly as fun. However; he does want Xena but they had banned her from the village already. Draco gets mad and hits the old man. Draco obviously didn’t remember he made the villagers think it was Xena doing the destruction. Why does he think they have her?

We don't take AARP!

Xena tells Draco that the old people were not lying. He tells Xena that he would have her one way or the other. That they would be great riding companions. Xena says other, so they are going to have a fight. Draco says “Pick the weapons.” Xena says “No, you choose the weapons. I choose the conditions, up on the scaffolding.” Draco chooses staves cause he be dumb. Then they start fighting and of course Xena is awesome and Draco still has that hair.

When the scaffolding comes undone, Xena is able to recover nicely. Draco isn't fairing so well. Oh and now her Mother decided to show up for a front row seat. Bitch.

What, is wrong with his head?

During the fight people started cheering for Xena, when befor they were all like we’re going to stone Xena but NOW they’re cheering????? What a bag of douches. Xena is awesome though. They hadn’t seen her fight in a while. So I forgive them.

Also, this is why I love this show, because campy things happen all the time! They are totally fighting on top of people’s heads! There is another reason why I forgive the Amphipolis villagers for being ridiculous. They had a man of that hair walking on their cloth heads.

Eerrrrr, I hope bad hair isn't contagious! 

Of course Xena kicks his ass then tells Draco to get out of town. A bad guy tries unsuccessfully to stab Xena in the back and Draco kills him for her. Draco leaves. When the old man comes up behind Xena and offers her the loot wagons. Seriously dude, nobody wants your pruner old loot wagons so knock it off! 

About those loot wagons?

Xena is now in the tavern and her Mother comes back and Xena asks her Mother for forgiveness, her Mother forgives. All is well.

You, only had to save the lives of every villager!

Now we end on the first campfire of many more to come. Gabrielle tells Xena she couldn't get her fire started, and mosquitoes are as big as horses or something like that. Xena tells Gabrielle that she is sending her home in the morning. Gabrielle tells Xena she won’t stay home. She explains to Xena she is different than everyone there. I’ll say, Gabby you just stay right there with your Xena! Xena understands and throws her a bed roll.

Is this muskrat?

As the episode ends it’s now the following day and Xena is informing Gabrielle that where they are headed trouble follows. Gabrielle says she knows, and Xena wants to know why she would go through that trouble. Gabrielle says “That’s what friends do they stand by each other when there is trouble.” Xena just replies “Alright….Friend.”

SHIT THAT’S THE END