Season 1:2:Chariots Of War

So this episode...starts off by …first off…let me just say well, Fuck this episode that’s it. You know why? Cause Fuck it that’s why. But first things first we start this episode off by Xena leaving a town or something. Forgive me this episode is awful, but it starts off by Gabrielle telling Xena about trees intertwining I am assuming it is a metaphor for love and sex and what not. Xena is trying to act all badass like “Oh, what does that mean” It’s like shit Xena really? You don’t know what Gabrielle is trying to say when she says “Zeus, made them into trees intertwined forever?” Anyway, Xena wants to go Fjord a river.

Would you like to Fjord the River?

So she tells Gabrielle she is gonna find a better place to leave her. Gabrielle’s all like why? Oh I don't know gabby maybe cause your in a bar then a dude burps in Gabrielle’s face and she is like oh yea, this place sucks. So she decides to leave Gabrielle in a field, Gabby has a cute basket on her back. I am sure leaving a 17 year old girl in a strange town all by herself would be fine. Since you know war lords don't attack villages for no reason.

I feel perfectly safe here.

Next thing you know there is an attractive single man, helping his kids help him build a house. Wasting everyone’s time, a villager politely drops a hint that maybe a 10, 6, and 4 year old are not the best things to have around when building a shack. He just attractively reassures the man to fuck off. When out of nowhere, a bunch of dudes for seemingly no reason decide to destroy the shack that they are trying to build, of course Xena saves the day and gets shot with an arrow. The attractive man helps her.

Watch this I am Excellent at Horse Shoes

My looks are not equipped for this.

Let me massage your chest

Excuse me while I look like a negative

The villagers are dumb and want her gone. They show the warlords tent and a disappointing son is fighting a guy on a balance beam the same thing they did in the first episode. The guys dad comes in and Looks hilarious too.

I just got a facial

All warlords are good at the balance beam.

and they reveal why they are ransacking the village just to pay honor to the God of war Ares, cause you know killing a bunch of unarmed villagers for no reason would really impress a deity that wants people to conquer the world. Gabrielle is still at the bar wondering where Xena is. A hilarious looking dude hits on her.

Would you like to make like trees and leaf?

to get away from him she kisses a guy this looks equally as ridiculous.

The guy in the back is right to look away.

He is the warrior that shot Xena with an arrow. Gabrielle doesn’t know this, they start talking and he starts talking about how his dad makes him do awful stuff because he works for him. Then he gets all prissy and leaves We find out kids like Xena and then the villagers are tricked by the warlord into peace talks, it’s like how dumb are the villagers they don’t even know why the village is getting destroyed they don’t have anything.  Xena wants to go and Attractive dad tells her she can’t wear that armor so he makes her wear his dead wife’s dress because you know that’s not weird or anything. So Xena does it and then looks at herself in the mirror.

Bloody Mary X3 who is the one I will marry

also she shows some skin and doesn’t show an arrow mark at all.

If you look close enough you can see where I got my tramp stamp removed

 They go to the peace talks and the guys were actually going to kill the villagers but Xena stops it before the villagers know what’s up because again they are all dumb as Hell!

My incredibly handsome face is disappointed you saved us.

Of course Xena gets blamed for this she goes and finds Gabrielle and Gabrielle tells Xena she found a dude she wants to “intertwine with” also known as boning but he looks like a HORSE. Gabrielle obviously does not notice. Xena fights the dudes in a chariot Thus the name “Chariots of War” clever. Gabrielle finds out that dude she wants to have sexy time with is a bad guy. Also he tans more than any man, woman, or child should.

Does anyone have any bronzer?

Bitch Please

But secretly he is sensitive. His ugly dad dies; he then says he will talk peace with the villagers about what? I have no idea. Just leave them the hell alone, they don’t have anything. Hey bad dude want some corn and Nothing of value? It’s like shit ya know? Anyways, that’s about it. There is nothing more to this episode other than attractive Dad try’s to get Xena to stay. It’s like would you cage a wild horse? Fuck man birds have to fly.

Xena? Why do you get the guys that don't look like mutants?

Thank God this episode is over with. It did nothing to propel the Story in anyway. Subtext, again at a zero. I am not really looking for subtext in these episodes but some people care about it. Like me.