Season 1:5 The Path Not Taken

So this episode starts off by two love birds sitting under a tree talking about how much they love the spot and one day they are going to bring their Grandchildren there. HERE comes the set up the girl in this love situation says can you believe there was a feud between the two families? What was that even about? The guy is like I dunno? Maybe my unibrow?

This Tree is so magical

We will never be separate just like my Eye Brows!

When out of the hills would you guess? Random bad guys come forth! Blah blah blah they steal the girl. 

Now we get to Xena and Gabby, and Gabrielle be talking a lot and she is talking about adventure, how life is boring without it but it can be a bit much travelling with Xena not that it is a bad thing. They show up outside a tavern and Gabrielle is like ooohh places like this have the best food, and you hear fighting and she jokes and atmosphere. A guy comes launching out of the window and for seemingly no reason decides to pull a knife on Xena.

Would you like some cake?

She whistles and the horse kicks him, they go into the bar and Gabrielle is still talking about the last couple travels they went on. Xena keeps getting hit on. I noticed that in the first season Xena is the one every man is after. Interesting…

I don't Like MEN!!!

This is the first time you see fire being blown in a dudes face. I thought it was a bit severe for getting hit on but again times were different then. So then we move on to Gabrielle saying “notice how we never have trouble getting a table?” Xena is like weird, she doesn’t seem to have the heart to say “I have been blowing dudes for it.” LOL see I made a dirty joke by blowing dudes I mean fire at them.

Anyway Prince Unibrow comes in and drops a giant sac of coins on the table and no I am not making a ball sac joke. Gabrielle immediately grabs the money and is thinking I presume I could turn this into cash by calling cash for gold now!

Greece's economy is going to collapse in like hundreds of years from now, better hold on to this.

I use my gold sledge hammer to mash potatoes with.

The unibrow is trying to explain to Xena some bad guys stole his fiancé and he would really like to get her back. Reminds me didn’t Gabrielle have a fiancé a while back? Like say 5 episodes ago? Hmmm anyway he wasn’t a wealthy prince with a sac of gold now was he? Moving on Xena tells dis boy, you can be coming round dees parts here with no giant sac of booty. The man is but I loves her Xena I loves her. Xena is like why they be takin your fiancé and he is like I don’t know. Remember way back in the beginning of the episode like less than 2 min in? Remember when they are talking about how they are glad their families are not fighting anymore? Yea, apparently they don’t really understand the not fighting anymore thing because I guess both families be playing the blame game. Xena is much too smart for this and the boy is like it’s a dude selling guns out of his trunk or something. So Xena says it’s a guy named Mezantius or something like that and she now needs to go to a town only known as dirt bag city. They have a name for it in this episode but I don’t know how to spell it. I think it is Tracus? Maybe Jersey Shore?

Seems Legit?

Anyway, Xena tells Gabby to stay there, Gabby voices her concern over Xena leaving and returning to her old self. Unibrow stays with Gabby. Blab blab blab. Xena shows up in an old Tavern and convinces the bad guys she isn’t really a do gooder. They are relived and she meets back up with a handsome black dude named Marcus he reminds me of a young Bill Cosby.

Remember that one time in Cabo?

I guess they had a fling; Xena was sort of a Slut back in the day. I am not much for Boy/GIRL situations so I just sort of block out images of that sort of thing and fill my head with catchy Glee tunes. She meets Mezantius or whatever his name is, he Xena gets to go to his Bad dude castle. He plans to rape the girl.

I love my volt, I never have to gas up when leaving the state to have sex with a minor.

Xena is able to convince him that she wants to make a deal with him and the bad guy who looks like the Chevy Volt commercial dude. I am not saying they are exact body doubles but for some reason they both look like guys that would take a sex tour of Vietnam. Just saying. He wanted to rape the girl and then kill her and extort her family. Xena is able to convince him not to do that says she is worth more alive and untouched. She is right I have seen Taken. Anyway, the girl escapes and tries to kill herself Xena is able to talk her down and then. Has a plan to meet her later she lets her know her fiancé sent her.

Gabrielle convinces the Unibrow that if he just explained himself to his fiancés father the King of some village or land then no war would happen. They get arrested and Gabrielle gets put in the stocks.

Well, ya win some ya lose some?

Xena goes on a date with young Bill Cosby; he tries to tell her he tried to be good once. It didn’t work out they make out. Bleck. Then she is like oh yea the girl. She is like I have to go.

Too bad you like women....

No we don't have time for you to convert me to a different religion.

She has the girl in the Bath room. The Chevy Volt guy is just a horny basterd and wants to bathe with Xena. Xena hids the girl in water. Then she is like no time to waste. Earlier on her date or sometime in the episode she found out there was an underground railroad for weapons and she was gonna hide the girl in a weapons crate. Xena’s love interest finds out Xena really is good. He finds out she wants to save the girl. Then the bad guy finds out that everyone is fighting in a warehouse and tries to kill the girl Xena’s man gets shot and killed. He is like yay I turned good but now I am dead.

Xena kills the bad guy by slicing his throat.

Reunites the love birds has a funeral for her boyfriend and we find out he was just a “friend”.


 The End.

So this episode it feels like was an excuse to introduce man candy to Xena? Did you notice how the first season of Xena is so Hercules like?  I mean the campy fight scenes are awesome. But this episode barely had any Gabrielle in it. It also had way too much Xena kissing man action going on I was like yuck. I mean I don’t care what your sexuality is as long as you don’t parade it in front of everyone*.

*that was a satirical joke