Season 1:4 Cradle Of Hope

I can’t wait till I get to an episode that isn’t the worst. This one at least is full of hair that is hilarious.

Ok, so we start the episode off by an oracle looking at some coffee beans and a king with a mullet asking her what she sees. She tells him that there be a baby in his future, and he is all like shit son my baby done be gone he died. She says to him boy dis is not yo baby! He be all like shit, is he gonna try to take my throne and she be all like I don’t know.

Magic Beans Grant me the sight to get the hell outta here!

Do you see a different Hair cut in my future?

You are not the Father.

His advisor now wants to kill all the babies in the land so a woman who works in the castle who just had herself a baby but she died, so someone decides to put him in a river….she calls this baby moses. Just joshing she doesn’t name him… SHE put him in a river! You don’t name river babies!

Any way that’s the set up.Xena and Gabby wake up and here is a joke some people read a little to much into Gabrielle asks Xena how she slept she says “Like a rock” and she says you? “On a rock” but I think it was meant as more of a innocent thing than a lesbian subtexty joke anywhosville Guess who finds said river baby?

Is it a cat?

Oh just Xena and Gabrielle but Gabrielle thought it was a cat at first. Which is why I love Gabrielle, she finds life as ridiculous as these first episodes are to me.  Gabrielle wants to keep him. Xena is like nah shit, we need to find the baby mama and get the baby back to her. It’s like Helloooo Xena this woman obviously doesn’t want this baby did you not just find him in a fucking river? Yes, you did but of course there is no convincing Xena.

Would you shut that kid up?

  They head to the nearest village upstream. Xena also wants to know why the baby is crying, it’s like Xena you have many skills but the obvious is just not one of them.  Gabrielle wants to name the baby Gabriel cause she is adorable. The king is pining over his dead wife. And his advisor is hellbent on killing the prophecy baby. But they haven’t found him yet that is because he is with Xena and Gabrielle.

They pull up to a group of people trying to hang a woman. Of course Xena dispatches them saves the woman and rides off into the sunset. Oh wait there’s more.

Turns out the woman is Pandora, the Pandora’s box Pandora but not the woman her granddaughter by the same name.  She is carrying around pandoras box.  Gabrielle gets all freaked but she is like don’t worry my grandmother let most everything out except for hope. So she has to carry the box around and not let hope out.

I could just eat you up! Literally, I'm hungry 

They go into a tavern and they get ambushed cause the bar keep told that they had a baby. Xena finds out that the kings advisor is trying to kill the baby. Xena is not having that. The kings advisor gets the box and Pandora is all freaked cause she has never not had the box and the advisor is an idiot. Xena has a meeting with the king and the advisor to try and get the box back and talk the king out of killing the infant. But it didn’t work cause they think Xena is still the evil Xena. I like they talk about her like she is two different people. 

Where's my box bitch

Good Xena. Evil Xena. Got it?

She is able to sneak into the kings room, and of course he is still mourning his loss and Xena is able to sneak into his room. But not until his advisor is able to be a sleeze and try and sleep with Xena but he didn’t know she snuck in as a hooker or something. He was all like you smell so good!

Do you have any tan and tone?

You smell just like my favorite tanning lotion.

Xena steals the box and escapes but the clock is ticking. She is able to get the box to Pandora but Xena wants to give the baby to the king. Cause he done and want a child son. So that he may one day pass on his mulletted locks to his baby.

His advisor though still has other plans he still wants to hurt the baby so Xena saves the baby again. Not before giving him shaken baby syndrome first.

Xena doesn't understand the idea of child care

The king and baby are reunited and it turns out Pandora and the king go together like horses and glue.

So you single?

They put the box in a safe place for Pandora but clumsy Gabrielle bumps it and it opens, and they realize it was empty!! So Gabrielle is like holy shit what are we gonna tell Pandora who has been carrying this empty box around for like her whole life. Xena is like just tell her hope has been in all of us forever. If I was Pandora it would make me extremely bitter.

Shit!

When Xena is leaving the king asks her if she would like a reward and she is like nah shit dis what I do! He is like really you saved everything and killed that douche so she is like name that baby Gabriel. Gabrielle is telling Xena she cant believe she got to touch the box of Pandora and Xena says and think it all started cause you slept on a rock har har. THE END