Season 1:7 The Titans

We start this episode off with a huge pic of Xena’s face.

Peek-a-boo

She for some reason comes across a bunch of bad guys and she chooses to fight without her sword and chakram.

You can never have my headband Xena

 
She kicks the first guy in the face then fights the others. Where is Gabrielle you might ask? well she is with Argo doing something or other. The guy she was after gets away and Xena whistles for her horse and it doesn’t come right away she whistles again. She be all like where my horse at? Gabrielle comes in with the horse.

I fucking hate this horse

 


This is the first time we get to see Xena is somewhat of an ass. She blames Gabrielle for giving the bad guy a head start and Gabrielle is all like girl you told me to take care of it! Xena is like don’t apologize just improve which in my opinion is pretty douchy. So she just takes off and Gabrielle is left on her own. She comes across a cave.

Is that a cave?

 

Yes, Gabrielle It appears to be a cave

So she Is like might as well see whats inside! So she goes inside, and she finds her self a cult! They be reading some scroll, and of course Gabby is kind of a know it all and is like people you be reading it all wrong! So she starts reading the scroll herself and would you know it! She reads it right, we know this because it awakens some ancient Titans!

We do, sunshine, we sure do

The villagers wanted to wake up the Titans because of problems in their village and thought they could help. When the Titans awaken they ask who awoken them and this boy be all like this virgin! Points to Gabrielle, she is like whaaaa. They bow to her, and want to know her commands.

I was in the middle of a dream

 


Now we have Xena of course running on her horse. We cut to a scene in a bar and the bad guy from the beginning we never got an explanation about well he is in the tavern scared shitless cause Xena is coming for him. The other guys are like how many MEN are after you and he be all like shit guys it’s Xena and they laugh at him 1 woman? She shows up knocks one of the guys out and then captures the bad guy from the beginning.

TAKE IT LIKE A MAN

Then a bunch of dudes show up to kick Xena’s ass and before Xena can make a decision Gabrielle shows up. Which I think is funny cause didn’t it take Xena bit by horse back to get to the bar. The guys are all like you gonna do something about it little girl and she be all like nah but they will and she brought you guessed it the TITANS!! They done and tear the roof off that mutha!

See the problem is the roof

Ok going through this bit a little fast here is a summary till we get to the good parts. Xena, puts a rope around bad guy still not sure why she was after him. Xena isn’t all that impressed with Gabrielle’s Titans. We find out that Gabrielle is a bit vain and that she falls for a village boy. Xena is acting like a jealous boyfriend.

Xena is soooo alone

The Titans find out that Gabrielle isn’t a virgin goddess and retaliate and want to kill all the villagers. Now we are in the cave and the Titans be plotting!

Stop I hear a song coming on.

 

They hear children laughing and the one with long hair wants to take them to torment the village the woman Titan is all like “No Not The Children” The bald one is like im with her cause I want to bone her. The two dude Titans end up fighting and the woman titan is now in a relationship with the long hair Titan? WTF? The Titans told the humans that if they gave them Xena that they would make them kings. They stole all the villagers’ children and while the titans were fighting Xena snuck in and rescued them. The long haired one
killed the bald one.

Ahhhh I am dying!

 


The bad guy talks some of the villagers in to betraying Xena even though she just got their kids back but Xena isn’t a dumbass and escapes and the bad guy takes what he thinks is a trapped Xena to the Titans and shows them an empty box and they kill him.

The Villagers say there is another scroll that will turn the Titans back into stone. WHY THE HELL DIDN’T THEY SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE. I don’t know maybe they did, but as you know from the first several episodes villagers are dumb as hell! I am also trying to get through this episode as fast as possible. Gabrielle is the only one that can read the scrolls but Xena thinks it’s too dangerous but Gabrielle wants to prove herself to Xena so she runs off to go read the scrolls and Xena goes after her.

The Titans have Gabrielle and want her to read the scroll to wake up the others. Xena has a plan to distract them and save Gabrielle.  Gabrielle stalls by telling the Titans stories the guy seems annoyed but the woman Titan is delighted. The guy is like yayaya now read the scroll so Gabrielle reads the scroll but she does it wrong on purpose and makes them think she is no longer a virgin.  Xena traps the Titan and is about to kill him when the woman is like don’t kill him here is the chant that turns us back to stone. She gives it to Xena the Titan is all like she can read it she ain’t no virgin. Xena seems to be a bit surprised and saddened by this and Gabrielle is like I lied I can still read it. Xena seems to be happy Gabrielle didn’t give away to the first boy she met. She ends up reading the scroll after Xena fights the Titan and he goes back to being a stone.

Xena we can still be friends, I am still a Virgin

Gabrielle tells her man candy about how awesome Xena is and he is like she couldn’t do it without you and She is like your right.

I wouldn't ever sleep with your ass!

 I can’t believe you were almost my first and then he tries to kiss her and leaves to go talk to Xena. Xena is like why did you go into the cave, and we shouldn’t let stuff come between us we are friends. Awwww someone has a wittle crush. Then she tells Gabrielle not to touch her horse. 

So this one I wasn't all that funny in mainly cause I wanted to get it out of the way for the next episode. It's a real LOL's fest.