1:10 Hooves and harlots

One of my favorite parts of this blog is that it's like totally 2000's fansite like. Right? BADASS!

They meet up with the Amazons and they say to Xena you are not an Amazon girl but you know our ways (I’ll say) they look at Gabrielle and say you are really not one of us (not yet)

Xena, we have been trying to get you to these woods for years!

Xena and Gabrielle just want to go through the woods the Amazons live in. The Amazons are just like the Corporate world, have to go to management to approve that request. So they take them to see their queen Melosa.

The numbers look good, and we could probably save some money on the rental....but we still need  the VP to sign off.

Gabrielle is telling an Amazon woman that she always wanted to study science and philosophy and that she wasn’t considered a “normal” girl in her village. Damn women be all tryin to learn.

You're a really good "listener"

The Amazon woman said that those are the very first things taught to young Amazons(yea, that's what I tell women i'm trying to bang too. Math and stuff that shit is awesome! I totally know how to divide fractions). She said it’s a man’s world because we let them have it. Oh shit ain’t that some truth. Where my Oprah book club sistahs at right?

Philosophy, is my philosophy! (watch out there is a MAN BEHIND YOU!! HE TRYIN TO TAKE YOUR WORLD)

We get some very nice Xena sass! An amazon is staring at her and Xena said “is there something you find interesting about me?” She says “yes”, and Xena asks if she is planning on telling her and the woman says “no”. Xena says then stop staring at me before I poke your eyes out. Ooooh girl there’s a fight a brewing!! 

When suddenly arrows start flying in and the Amazons retreat into the trees Xena is deflecting arrows with her sword and the Amazon Gabrielle was talking with gets hit and falls from the tree her name is Terais the woman not the tree. Gabrielle shields the woman with her own body. 

Uhh, Gabrielle can we do this ya know when I am not dying?

The woman is dying and tells Gabrielle that she did only what an Amazon would do for another Amazon. She gives her, her right of CAST!!! Shit that is some important information in the XENAVERSE!!

We only knew each for like 5 min and she gave me everything. I think this relationship is moving to fast. 

So they go back to the amazon village

And they meet Queen.Melosa and she tells Xena and Gabrielle because they tried to save one of the Amazons they have safe passage. She tells them to hurry the fuck up and get out because they will be at war soon. WHEN SUDDENLY a captured centaur is brought it, he looks hilarious. The queen tells him he has till morning then she going to make him into glue. He says his name is Phantes and he makes himself sound like someone important.  Xena mentions that she doesn’t like centaurs.

Your passports and visas seem to be in check.

Actually, this totally is foreshadowing..sexually

Xena asks what the Amazons issue with the centaurs is. The queen says cause they gross, and they just nasty. She also mentions that they want their land. Gabrielle asks Xena why she doesn’t like the Centaurs and Xena says cause she fought them in battle. Gabrielle says makes sense if you defeated them in battle. Yea, Gabby makes shit tons of sense. Xena corrects Gabrielle though and says she fought them but she never defeated them.

Ephiny comes up to Gabrielle as Xena walked away and casually asks “you didn’t mention the whole right of cast thing to your friend?” THEN they light the body of the dead girl on fire.

Xena asks the Centaur if he killed the girl, the Centaur keeps deflecting. Xena mentions his father’s name and said she doubted his son is a killer. The Centaur is too proud to answer. The Next scene is a guy with a trying way too hard to look cool chin strap. Talking to queen Melosa he just wanted to tell her he doesn’t care about the war if it should happen. Xena comes in and the guy leaves the queen says his name is Cracus and he is a warlord. Xena asks the queen not to start a war and The queen is like war what war? I am just executing a murderer, Xena is like Phantes is son of the Centaur leader. She is like well if he wants to start a war aint my beef. This queen be trippin!!

My, Mom says it looks stupid. I think SHE IS STUPID

Remember me? I'M DA QUEEN

Xena tells Gabrielle she is going to go talk to the Centaurs. Click your hoof once for yes and twice for no. I kid I kid. Gabrielle of course gets left again but this time with the amazons.
Gabrielle turns to Ephiny and the Queen and says like a little snot “Are we going to talk about this right of cast thing or what?” Instead of slapping the shit out Gabrielle the Queen says Terais last wish that all her belongings and her status belong to Gabrielle now. She tells Gabrielle that she was her true blood sister. Gabrielle says “I am an amazon now?” The Queen corrects her and says “You are an Amazon Princess” Hold your hats girls we done and have two princesses on our hands now. You think the screen is big enough for the two of them?

Xena goes into Centaur land and they start fighting her she throws him against a tree and then he can’t breathe. She meets Tildes the Leader and he tells Xena he can treat him but if the Centaur dies she dies. She treats him and does some crazy work. She saves him.

We see Gabrielle getting dressed by some amazons it takes two to tango I guess. Ephiny comes in a said come now. Quite the demand, Gabrielle sasses her and says you must have me mistaken for a pet. Gabrielle isn’t the most tactical when it comes to emotions. She doesn’t quite understand that their almost leader made a nobody, a somebody and people don’t quite take too kindly to that. Ephiny changes her tone but looks pissed because she has to teach the new girl all the stuff like how to fight and what not. Gabrielle picks out her fighting staff, for which she has for a long time.

The fondling really IS necessary 

The face really says it doesn't it?

Xena is talking to Tildes and she is trying to talk him out of war he tells her he still don’t trust her. Says they are still enemies not frienemies but total enemies and that Xena needs to leave not before telling her his army is going to attack by noon. Xena warns him that he is playing into 3rd parties hand of those that want the war and that she doesn't believe his son killed anyone.

We are so NOT frenemies

Gabrielle is practicing her sticking. Not quite getting it, Ephiny comes in and asks how she is doing and Gabrielle is like better it’s kinda fun when it works. Ephiny gives her demonstration on how to snap a neck with a stave. Then said still fun. WHAT A BITCH.

You like to fight? I'll show you a fight

We see the Centaur trying to escape and Ephiny comes in with a sword to his neck. He is like whaa how you get in here? Long story short she says she had a friend who didn’t think centaurs were so bad. He is like so where is she. Ephiny is like you killed her. He tells her he didn’t he swears on his father’s name. Then says not that the word of a Centaur means anything to you. She says not to most and leaves.

You have know idea where this leads....

Ephiny then goes on to attack Xena and Xena is like Ephiny don’t be dumb. Then she falls from the tree and a random Centaur comes in a attacks her and Xena saves the day. Xena is like shit girl why you following me. Ephiny tells Xena she isn’t she said Terais was killed here she just wanted to take another looksey. She asks Xena why she saved her and the Centaur. Xena said cause if either die then the war can’t be stopped. Ephiny says Terais is already dead. Xena tells her not by a centaur and says that Cracaus the warlord did it cause he gains from the war. Xena goes and shows Ephany the evidence that it wasn’t a centaur that killed her friend. Xena says look here while looking on the Ground Ephiny picks up some horse poop and says theres hay in here and Centaurs don’t eat hay. Xena says right…I was talking about the hoove prints. Ephiny is like ok just as good.

Meanwhile Gabrielle is dancing with the Amazons.

Let's get it started IN HERE!

She finds out she is the one that’s going to have to kill Phantes.

I'm still a virgin...a blood virgin

Xena and Ephiny find evidence that prove weird chin guy is behind the murder. Just before Gabrielle was supposed to kill Phantes Xena and Ephiny come back with the Evidence. Xena hasn’t seen Gabrielle since she has been inaugurated as amazon princess and asks “What’s this?” when she see’s her Gabrielle tells her she is an amazon now. Xena says “Great”

I was going to tell you about the whole me being an "Amazon" but I was still figuring things out.

She hands Gabrielle a pouch and Gabrielle looks in it and there is a clump of dirt. Xena says theres hay sprouts in there Centaurs don’t eat hay. Gabrielle realizes she is touching poop.

She hands Gabrielle a pouch and Gabrielle looks in it and there is a clump of dirt. Xena says theres hay sprouts in there Centaurs don’t eat hay. Gabrielle realizes she is touching poop. The Queen says it proves nothing, and to go ahead with the execution. Xena challenges the Queen. The Queen says that only a person of lineage or Amazon can challenge. Xena hints to Gabrielle to challenge the Queen. Gabrielle challenges the Queen. Melosa asks Gabrielle if she really wants to fight to the death. Gabrielle says no. Ephiny tells Gabrielle to choose her weapon or her champion. She chooses you Pikachu. Just kidding she chose Xena. The queen says if she wins they all die including Ephiny. Ephiny tells Xena some pointers and Gabrielle says Xena knows how to fight she has seen her fight a million times. Ephiny says Gabrielle is really annoying and asks Xena how she puts up with her. Xena says cause she has a nice ass. No but I am sure that’s what we are all thinking. Gabrielle says Xena puts up with her just fine. Xena ignores them and tells Ephiny if she loses to get Gabrielle out of there. Xena chooses chobos as the weapon I am thinking cause it’s the most hilarious sounding of the weaponry and she and The Queen start fighting. IT’S ON GIRL! Then Xena beats the Queen to death. JK---she get's Melosa to see who the real enemy is and they beat the weird chin hair dude. Gabrielle tells Xena hey you're a princess, and I am a princess soooo I guess we'll be princesses together.... That's pretty much it.