Season 1:6 The Reckoning

Xena and Gabrielle are walking through some woods; Gabrielle is convinced that she can find the road they are looking for.

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes!

Xena is like yeah right, Gabrielle walks off and Xena then hears some people fighting. She sees a hooded stranger murder a bunch of peasants and decides to help kick some ass but the stranger disappears.

I am strong with the dark side of the force

So she goes to help the injured, but like all the villagers on this show they are sort of mentally handicapped.

"where did you get that head band?"

They naturally blame Xena for the murder of their fellow villagers so Xena thinks to herself “better get da fuck outta here” So she leaves and grabs Gabrielle.

I can buy weed with this!

Let's get da fuck outta here!

Argo I don't appreciate you staring at my breats.

Who was at a stream trying to get a good bath and seemingly hoping for Xena to join her but yet again a bunch of assholes want to kill Xena. Xena and Gabrielle run off and we go back to the Villagers who are with the town elder discussing what they should do about Xena and they are all kill her of course. I guess this is an isolated Village cause they are claiming they blocked the only way out.

*SPOILER* this movie sucks

The town elder says they need to capture her for a trial. This one villager who looks like a total douche is like trial we don’t need no trial. We saw her kill no one but she was at the scene of the crime!! He goes around telling the elder about how it’s a tragedy and that they should just go kill her.

I like 2 things in this world smoking up, and killing women!

I made this necklace myself!

He again says no they will give her a trial. He said something awesome like “We cannot allow ourselves to become as savage as the savage we hunt” then a hilarious looking guy who looks like he would eat your lunch you brought to work. Says “We need swift revenge not slow justice” cause he looks like a guy they should be listening to.

I could really go for some Hormel canned chili right now

Xena tells Gabrielle if something should happen to her to get out. She tells Gabrielle that when night comes they will leave.

It's night

Then they show a clip of night, then of morning. I thought Xena said they were going to wait till dark and slip by at night. Looks like THAT didn’t happen. Cause they are walking on by through the woods and it be day. The villagers are also hiding poorly from Xena.So Xena is like come on Gabrielle hop on my horse. And they trot off and the poorly hidden villagers decide to follow very close behind.

Do they really think we can't see them?

Let me just tip toe

They then come up to a bunch of spikey things and Xena’s horse be all like hell nah! And bucks Gabrielle off.

First I was all like

Then I was like

Now I am like....SHIT MY ASS YOU STUPID HORSE

The villagers grab Gabrielle and the guy with the macaroni necklace is there. Xena is like you let her go or else. They let Gabby go and Xena goes with the villagers even though that douche bag from the beginning of the episode hits Xena on the head.

Paul Bunyan? Your a long way from North America!

Xena is now chained up and talking to Gabrielle they have a moment. Xena told Gabrielle she should have left like she said and Gabrielle is like no you’re my friend. Why did you let those dumb villagers keep you, you could have fought them. Xena is like it would have been a slaughter. I don’t think Xena knows the difference between a small ass kicking VS. A Large ass kicking. You can punch someone in the face at different strength settings or at least I think I don’t know never punched anyone in the face before. Xena is going to go to trial and Gabrielle is like justice will always prevail. Xena knows this is bullshit.

Ok,, my safe word is Camel Butter

Now we meet Ares God of War for the very first time. I am going to admit that I am not the least bit attracted to this man. But my partner thinks he’s ok and I guess so do other women so meh. Anyways Xena is repulsed by his obviously faked facial hairs.

Is that a dead cat? oh it's your face

So Ares reveals himself as the hooded stranger who murdered a bunch of folks. He said he did it because he misses the old Xena. Xena could give a shit less about him these days. He offers her an army and says she could be his warrior queen. The writers of this episode use this scene as another excuse to get Xena naked to put on a bleck…Dress.

Do you feel a draft?

Xena is like nah, I’ll remain chained if ya don’t mind. Next we see Gabby talking to the Macaroni leader and she wants be Xena’s representative and he is like she will have a fair trial we’re not savages! Yea, um ok.

Did you make that yourself?

We are not Savages!

They go outside and see the villager’s actin a FOOL and they have Xena with them and they want to execute her. Cute ass little Gabby decides to say you wanna kill her you gots to kill me first! Then the old man steps in and says they would have to kill him too. He is like I will bring justice but not like this you crazy bunch of FUCKS! They back down and he tells Gabrielle that she can be Xena’s lawyer or whatever.

Ok, my safe word for group scenarios is holy diver.

Meanwhile while all that was going Xena and Ares were having a staring contest. But I guess Ares won cause he done and disappeared again.Then you see Xena and Gabrielle again Xena is scolding Gabby for trying to protect her. Gabrielle is like shit I don’t give a shit. She saved Xena and that’s all she cares about, Xena is convinced they are going to find her guilty and Gabrielle is going to find exonerating evidence. Gabrielle goes out to the crime scene and finds a second pair of boots warrior boots. She goes and gets the old man and Ares covers up the evidence. The old man is like shit don’t waste my time.

The Trial begins and the witnesses talk about how they see Xena there with a bloody sword and blood all over her. They tell stories about what a monster she is. They bring in the one of the guys who survived the slaying say she be the one who killed the others.

The old man then says they will find a verdict tonight and let them know tomorrow in the meantime Xena has to stay locked up. She is chained up and then the douche town boys decide to beat her while she is in chains. Ares takes this opportunity to ask her to be his Queen again with “Are you going to let a bunch of smelly farmers beat you?” Says if she calls for help she can ask for anyone, anyone she wants dead or alive. He tells her she is better than this. Xena seems to agree and unleashes a huge ass beating on the farmers and breaks out of her chains and goes haywire.

I can't remember the safe word!!

Say uncle!

In her rage, she doesn’t see Gabrielle and punches her right in the face.

Da FUCK?

Gabrielle leaves and Xena realizes what she did, she is helping the guys she beat up when the old man comes in for no reason to say he doesn’t understand her. But that they were objective in their verdict Xena couldn’t give a shitless right now cause she knows she punched her bff in the face.

It is important to use the proper safe words during BDSM foreplay so noone gets hurt!

Gabrielle comes back and says she found argo and that they are going to pull the bars off the wall to get her out.

Next time you hit me bitch, I am calling Olivia Benson!

Xena is like holy crap you came back to me even though I hit you. Gabrielle is like you didn’t mean to. Xena loves the ladies she truly didn’t mean to hurt Gabrielle and Gabrielle admits she now knows the difference between justice and the law and doesn’t want to wait for the verdict. Xena is like if I leave now I will be running forever, Gabrielle is like girl if you stay you be dead. Xena said someone made her a better offer and then told Gabrielle to leave her.

The look on Gabrielle’s face when Xena said that was super cute. Xena saw it too, and said I didn’t mean it like that and that she was glad that Gabrielle came back. She calls Ares back and they lay in bed together. Xena just wants to make sure that Ares had his word that she could have anyone in her army dead or alive. She was all like good.

It's touching my arm

It’s now the next day and would you guess what? They found her guilty so she calls on Ares to bring the dead guys back. The dead guys come out of a hut and say that Xena is a brave and noble woman who is good or some shit. Ares realizes he was manipulated and says well played. The charges were dropped since no one be dead.

Is that a bears asshole behind me?

They end the episode with a good ol fashioned Xena and Gabrielle moment. Xena tells Gabrielle it meant a lot to her that she came back after what she did. Gabrielle is like I knew you didn’t mean it. She then bunched Xena in the chest but almost broke her hand for pay back. Gabrielle asks how those dudes came back from the dead. Xena starts to tell her about Ares and then we hear a ridiculous voice over of Ares saying “until next time” I find it hilarious that in the earlier episodes we are supposed to take him seriously.

Nice tits!

That’s the episode.

Season 1:5 The Path Not Taken

So this episode starts off by two love birds sitting under a tree talking about how much they love the spot and one day they are going to bring their Grandchildren there. HERE comes the set up the girl in this love situation says can you believe there was a feud between the two families? What was that even about? The guy is like I dunno? Maybe my unibrow?

This Tree is so magical

We will never be separate just like my Eye Brows!

When out of the hills would you guess? Random bad guys come forth! Blah blah blah they steal the girl. 

Now we get to Xena and Gabby, and Gabrielle be talking a lot and she is talking about adventure, how life is boring without it but it can be a bit much travelling with Xena not that it is a bad thing. They show up outside a tavern and Gabrielle is like ooohh places like this have the best food, and you hear fighting and she jokes and atmosphere. A guy comes launching out of the window and for seemingly no reason decides to pull a knife on Xena.

Would you like some cake?

She whistles and the horse kicks him, they go into the bar and Gabrielle is still talking about the last couple travels they went on. Xena keeps getting hit on. I noticed that in the first season Xena is the one every man is after. Interesting…

I don't Like MEN!!!

This is the first time you see fire being blown in a dudes face. I thought it was a bit severe for getting hit on but again times were different then. So then we move on to Gabrielle saying “notice how we never have trouble getting a table?” Xena is like weird, she doesn’t seem to have the heart to say “I have been blowing dudes for it.” LOL see I made a dirty joke by blowing dudes I mean fire at them.

Anyway Prince Unibrow comes in and drops a giant sac of coins on the table and no I am not making a ball sac joke. Gabrielle immediately grabs the money and is thinking I presume I could turn this into cash by calling cash for gold now!

Greece's economy is going to collapse in like hundreds of years from now, better hold on to this.

I use my gold sledge hammer to mash potatoes with.

The unibrow is trying to explain to Xena some bad guys stole his fiancé and he would really like to get her back. Reminds me didn’t Gabrielle have a fiancé a while back? Like say 5 episodes ago? Hmmm anyway he wasn’t a wealthy prince with a sac of gold now was he? Moving on Xena tells dis boy, you can be coming round dees parts here with no giant sac of booty. The man is but I loves her Xena I loves her. Xena is like why they be takin your fiancé and he is like I don’t know. Remember way back in the beginning of the episode like less than 2 min in? Remember when they are talking about how they are glad their families are not fighting anymore? Yea, apparently they don’t really understand the not fighting anymore thing because I guess both families be playing the blame game. Xena is much too smart for this and the boy is like it’s a dude selling guns out of his trunk or something. So Xena says it’s a guy named Mezantius or something like that and she now needs to go to a town only known as dirt bag city. They have a name for it in this episode but I don’t know how to spell it. I think it is Tracus? Maybe Jersey Shore?

Seems Legit?

Anyway, Xena tells Gabby to stay there, Gabby voices her concern over Xena leaving and returning to her old self. Unibrow stays with Gabby. Blab blab blab. Xena shows up in an old Tavern and convinces the bad guys she isn’t really a do gooder. They are relived and she meets back up with a handsome black dude named Marcus he reminds me of a young Bill Cosby.

Remember that one time in Cabo?

I guess they had a fling; Xena was sort of a Slut back in the day. I am not much for Boy/GIRL situations so I just sort of block out images of that sort of thing and fill my head with catchy Glee tunes. She meets Mezantius or whatever his name is, he Xena gets to go to his Bad dude castle. He plans to rape the girl.

I love my volt, I never have to gas up when leaving the state to have sex with a minor.

Xena is able to convince him that she wants to make a deal with him and the bad guy who looks like the Chevy Volt commercial dude. I am not saying they are exact body doubles but for some reason they both look like guys that would take a sex tour of Vietnam. Just saying. He wanted to rape the girl and then kill her and extort her family. Xena is able to convince him not to do that says she is worth more alive and untouched. She is right I have seen Taken. Anyway, the girl escapes and tries to kill herself Xena is able to talk her down and then. Has a plan to meet her later she lets her know her fiancé sent her.

Gabrielle convinces the Unibrow that if he just explained himself to his fiancés father the King of some village or land then no war would happen. They get arrested and Gabrielle gets put in the stocks.

Well, ya win some ya lose some?

Xena goes on a date with young Bill Cosby; he tries to tell her he tried to be good once. It didn’t work out they make out. Bleck. Then she is like oh yea the girl. She is like I have to go.

Too bad you like women....

No we don't have time for you to convert me to a different religion.

She has the girl in the Bath room. The Chevy Volt guy is just a horny basterd and wants to bathe with Xena. Xena hids the girl in water. Then she is like no time to waste. Earlier on her date or sometime in the episode she found out there was an underground railroad for weapons and she was gonna hide the girl in a weapons crate. Xena’s love interest finds out Xena really is good. He finds out she wants to save the girl. Then the bad guy finds out that everyone is fighting in a warehouse and tries to kill the girl Xena’s man gets shot and killed. He is like yay I turned good but now I am dead.

Xena kills the bad guy by slicing his throat.

Reunites the love birds has a funeral for her boyfriend and we find out he was just a “friend”.


 The End.

So this episode it feels like was an excuse to introduce man candy to Xena? Did you notice how the first season of Xena is so Hercules like?  I mean the campy fight scenes are awesome. But this episode barely had any Gabrielle in it. It also had way too much Xena kissing man action going on I was like yuck. I mean I don’t care what your sexuality is as long as you don’t parade it in front of everyone*.

*that was a satirical joke