1:10 Hooves and harlots

One of my favorite parts of this blog is that it's like totally 2000's fansite like. Right? BADASS!

They meet up with the Amazons and they say to Xena you are not an Amazon girl but you know our ways (I’ll say) they look at Gabrielle and say you are really not one of us (not yet)

Xena, we have been trying to get you to these woods for years!

Xena and Gabrielle just want to go through the woods the Amazons live in. The Amazons are just like the Corporate world, have to go to management to approve that request. So they take them to see their queen Melosa.

The numbers look good, and we could probably save some money on the rental....but we still need  the VP to sign off.

Gabrielle is telling an Amazon woman that she always wanted to study science and philosophy and that she wasn’t considered a “normal” girl in her village. Damn women be all tryin to learn.

You're a really good "listener"

The Amazon woman said that those are the very first things taught to young Amazons(yea, that's what I tell women i'm trying to bang too. Math and stuff that shit is awesome! I totally know how to divide fractions). She said it’s a man’s world because we let them have it. Oh shit ain’t that some truth. Where my Oprah book club sistahs at right?

Philosophy, is my philosophy! (watch out there is a MAN BEHIND YOU!! HE TRYIN TO TAKE YOUR WORLD)

We get some very nice Xena sass! An amazon is staring at her and Xena said “is there something you find interesting about me?” She says “yes”, and Xena asks if she is planning on telling her and the woman says “no”. Xena says then stop staring at me before I poke your eyes out. Ooooh girl there’s a fight a brewing!! 

When suddenly arrows start flying in and the Amazons retreat into the trees Xena is deflecting arrows with her sword and the Amazon Gabrielle was talking with gets hit and falls from the tree her name is Terais the woman not the tree. Gabrielle shields the woman with her own body. 

Uhh, Gabrielle can we do this ya know when I am not dying?

The woman is dying and tells Gabrielle that she did only what an Amazon would do for another Amazon. She gives her, her right of CAST!!! Shit that is some important information in the XENAVERSE!!

We only knew each for like 5 min and she gave me everything. I think this relationship is moving to fast. 

So they go back to the amazon village

And they meet Queen.Melosa and she tells Xena and Gabrielle because they tried to save one of the Amazons they have safe passage. She tells them to hurry the fuck up and get out because they will be at war soon. WHEN SUDDENLY a captured centaur is brought it, he looks hilarious. The queen tells him he has till morning then she going to make him into glue. He says his name is Phantes and he makes himself sound like someone important.  Xena mentions that she doesn’t like centaurs.

Your passports and visas seem to be in check.

Actually, this totally is foreshadowing..sexually

Xena asks what the Amazons issue with the centaurs is. The queen says cause they gross, and they just nasty. She also mentions that they want their land. Gabrielle asks Xena why she doesn’t like the Centaurs and Xena says cause she fought them in battle. Gabrielle says makes sense if you defeated them in battle. Yea, Gabby makes shit tons of sense. Xena corrects Gabrielle though and says she fought them but she never defeated them.

Ephiny comes up to Gabrielle as Xena walked away and casually asks “you didn’t mention the whole right of cast thing to your friend?” THEN they light the body of the dead girl on fire.

Xena asks the Centaur if he killed the girl, the Centaur keeps deflecting. Xena mentions his father’s name and said she doubted his son is a killer. The Centaur is too proud to answer. The Next scene is a guy with a trying way too hard to look cool chin strap. Talking to queen Melosa he just wanted to tell her he doesn’t care about the war if it should happen. Xena comes in and the guy leaves the queen says his name is Cracus and he is a warlord. Xena asks the queen not to start a war and The queen is like war what war? I am just executing a murderer, Xena is like Phantes is son of the Centaur leader. She is like well if he wants to start a war aint my beef. This queen be trippin!!

My, Mom says it looks stupid. I think SHE IS STUPID

Remember me? I'M DA QUEEN

Xena tells Gabrielle she is going to go talk to the Centaurs. Click your hoof once for yes and twice for no. I kid I kid. Gabrielle of course gets left again but this time with the amazons.
Gabrielle turns to Ephiny and the Queen and says like a little snot “Are we going to talk about this right of cast thing or what?” Instead of slapping the shit out Gabrielle the Queen says Terais last wish that all her belongings and her status belong to Gabrielle now. She tells Gabrielle that she was her true blood sister. Gabrielle says “I am an amazon now?” The Queen corrects her and says “You are an Amazon Princess” Hold your hats girls we done and have two princesses on our hands now. You think the screen is big enough for the two of them?

Xena goes into Centaur land and they start fighting her she throws him against a tree and then he can’t breathe. She meets Tildes the Leader and he tells Xena he can treat him but if the Centaur dies she dies. She treats him and does some crazy work. She saves him.

We see Gabrielle getting dressed by some amazons it takes two to tango I guess. Ephiny comes in a said come now. Quite the demand, Gabrielle sasses her and says you must have me mistaken for a pet. Gabrielle isn’t the most tactical when it comes to emotions. She doesn’t quite understand that their almost leader made a nobody, a somebody and people don’t quite take too kindly to that. Ephiny changes her tone but looks pissed because she has to teach the new girl all the stuff like how to fight and what not. Gabrielle picks out her fighting staff, for which she has for a long time.

The fondling really IS necessary 

The face really says it doesn't it?

Xena is talking to Tildes and she is trying to talk him out of war he tells her he still don’t trust her. Says they are still enemies not frienemies but total enemies and that Xena needs to leave not before telling her his army is going to attack by noon. Xena warns him that he is playing into 3rd parties hand of those that want the war and that she doesn't believe his son killed anyone.

We are so NOT frenemies

Gabrielle is practicing her sticking. Not quite getting it, Ephiny comes in and asks how she is doing and Gabrielle is like better it’s kinda fun when it works. Ephiny gives her demonstration on how to snap a neck with a stave. Then said still fun. WHAT A BITCH.

You like to fight? I'll show you a fight

We see the Centaur trying to escape and Ephiny comes in with a sword to his neck. He is like whaa how you get in here? Long story short she says she had a friend who didn’t think centaurs were so bad. He is like so where is she. Ephiny is like you killed her. He tells her he didn’t he swears on his father’s name. Then says not that the word of a Centaur means anything to you. She says not to most and leaves.

You have know idea where this leads....

Ephiny then goes on to attack Xena and Xena is like Ephiny don’t be dumb. Then she falls from the tree and a random Centaur comes in a attacks her and Xena saves the day. Xena is like shit girl why you following me. Ephiny tells Xena she isn’t she said Terais was killed here she just wanted to take another looksey. She asks Xena why she saved her and the Centaur. Xena said cause if either die then the war can’t be stopped. Ephiny says Terais is already dead. Xena tells her not by a centaur and says that Cracaus the warlord did it cause he gains from the war. Xena goes and shows Ephany the evidence that it wasn’t a centaur that killed her friend. Xena says look here while looking on the Ground Ephiny picks up some horse poop and says theres hay in here and Centaurs don’t eat hay. Xena says right…I was talking about the hoove prints. Ephiny is like ok just as good.

Meanwhile Gabrielle is dancing with the Amazons.

Let's get it started IN HERE!

She finds out she is the one that’s going to have to kill Phantes.

I'm still a virgin...a blood virgin

Xena and Ephiny find evidence that prove weird chin guy is behind the murder. Just before Gabrielle was supposed to kill Phantes Xena and Ephiny come back with the Evidence. Xena hasn’t seen Gabrielle since she has been inaugurated as amazon princess and asks “What’s this?” when she see’s her Gabrielle tells her she is an amazon now. Xena says “Great”

I was going to tell you about the whole me being an "Amazon" but I was still figuring things out.

She hands Gabrielle a pouch and Gabrielle looks in it and there is a clump of dirt. Xena says theres hay sprouts in there Centaurs don’t eat hay. Gabrielle realizes she is touching poop.

She hands Gabrielle a pouch and Gabrielle looks in it and there is a clump of dirt. Xena says theres hay sprouts in there Centaurs don’t eat hay. Gabrielle realizes she is touching poop. The Queen says it proves nothing, and to go ahead with the execution. Xena challenges the Queen. The Queen says that only a person of lineage or Amazon can challenge. Xena hints to Gabrielle to challenge the Queen. Gabrielle challenges the Queen. Melosa asks Gabrielle if she really wants to fight to the death. Gabrielle says no. Ephiny tells Gabrielle to choose her weapon or her champion. She chooses you Pikachu. Just kidding she chose Xena. The queen says if she wins they all die including Ephiny. Ephiny tells Xena some pointers and Gabrielle says Xena knows how to fight she has seen her fight a million times. Ephiny says Gabrielle is really annoying and asks Xena how she puts up with her. Xena says cause she has a nice ass. No but I am sure that’s what we are all thinking. Gabrielle says Xena puts up with her just fine. Xena ignores them and tells Ephiny if she loses to get Gabrielle out of there. Xena chooses chobos as the weapon I am thinking cause it’s the most hilarious sounding of the weaponry and she and The Queen start fighting. IT’S ON GIRL! Then Xena beats the Queen to death. JK---she get's Melosa to see who the real enemy is and they beat the weird chin hair dude. Gabrielle tells Xena hey you're a princess, and I am a princess soooo I guess we'll be princesses together.... That's pretty much it.

1:9 Death in Chains

We start the episode off at Dracula’s castle. JK its Sisyphus’s castle and that boy got something up his sleeves. His wife be all like boy this is foolish and he is like girl I know what’s I am doing. We find out he is going to die and that he is going to steal death so that he doesn’t well…DIE.

Nothing Fucked up going on here

So death show’s up and she is HOT and he traps her cause she must have been hungry cause he was like have something to eat and she was ok. We find out that she needs to hold her candle otherwise it will burn out and then no one will die. Sisyphus is like I can handle that. 

So now I can't eat or have my candle?

Gabrielle and Xena are walking through a meadow they see a young couple kissing. Gabrielle says, gee their having fun, and states she doesn’t envy them. She says what does she have that I don’t besides love. Poor little Gabby HEY HER OUTFIT IS DIFFERENT!!

See duck lips Gabby it's all about Duck lips

Bitch Please!

Of course some bad dudes show up and then Xena kills the leader only that boy don’t die. ZOMBIES!!! Ahhhh! An earthquake happens, and Xena pulls out her sword LOL you can’t fight mother nature BITCH. Only it was just Hades coming to earth to tell Xena his sister death had been captured and he needed Xena to go save her. 

Yo Xena go save my Sister I got shit to do

So Gabrielle and Xena head off to get death at Sisyphus’s Dracula layer. They come across a group of people who are suffering. Xena gives them aspirin. Gabrielle meets a boy.  The bad guys from the beginning show back up, and are like we zombies now. Xena is like I know idiots. She gets rid of em and then the bad guy goes back to his posse of bad guys and they stab each other cause they won’t die. Major story flaw the reason Xena needs to free Death is to stop suffering. But the bad guys in this episode can stab each other and feel little to no pain. Just saying.

Everyone else feels pain. I felt pain before pain was felt.

Gabrielle asks Xena what she thinks of her new guy friend. She just rolls her eyes. Says he’s nice, and Gabrielle boasts he is way more than nice. Xena is like fine he’s more than nice and tells her to go with him to the hospital. Xena is going on without them. Gabrielle and her boy toy are at the hospital but Gabrielle can’t seem to stop thinking about Xena. So they go after her. 

Yea, he's great.

Xena meets up with Sisyphus and sees death and is all like boy you crazy let death go he is like I can’t I don’t want to die. Then puts her down a trap door, Gabrielle and the boyfriend get separated cause the castle be full of traps he ends up with Xena and the Zombie dudes are after them in the castle. The boy grew up in the castle cause his mama used to work for the king. That was just a SIDENOTE! 

My friend who is way more capable of handling herself needs me!

Gabby is hiding from the zombie dude when a rat almost RATS on her. Then you see Xena and the boy escaping and then a bunch of rats fall on them oh Rats!

Fuck ThIS!

No FUCK THIS!

Sisyphus’s wife does not like the idea of death hanging around the house so she helps Xena. We find out that the boy Gabrielle is in love with is going to die. He was just heading back to see the area one last time. Tear.

What a lovely home.

What is love Baby don't hurt me.

Xena meets up with King Sisyphus and convinces him to let death go. When the zombie dudes break in and start shit, so she has to deal with that. Of course she wins.  Death is released and is able to do her thing. 

I don't want to leave my money with you!

Gabrielle finds out that her man candy is going to die she is a little pissed but she gets over it. Sisyphus goes with death and so does Gabrielle’s man. She is upset in Xena’s arms and that is literally how the episode ends.

Take Xena!!!

I am more upset than I should be

1:8 Prometheus

This is Xena’s first suicide missions, and guest stars a very Tan Kevin Sorbo as Hercules. We begin the episode the only way they have been a bunch of bad guys come out of nowhere and are looksin for trouble. They come upon a sleeping Gabrielle and Xena. A guy goes up to Xena’s bed roll and smashes down with his sword and proudly proclaims he KILLED XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS!! He pulls up what he thought was a severed head but oh gurl it be a FRUIT. Watermelon. OH shit that boy be crazy going around mistaken fruit for people.

She's a Witch

Meanwhile Xena be up on a branch and she actually kills the guys with tons of kicks and punches to the neck. Gabrielle slept thru the whole thing. When she woke she saw Xena performing some type of procedure on the bad guy.

I only know the killing him version of saving him

Xena needed to cut a new airway since this guy’s windpipe had been severed. Next you see them at an inn and the guy Xena hurt starts to die then you see a guy getting chained. Then two people at the inn die. Xena says Prometheus has been chained and now they are losing the gifts he gave mankind. The inn keeper says like fire? And Xena is all like the ability to heal ourselves. Wow she sure know’s a lot without having any information presented to her. That’s the set up now Xena is telling Gabrielle she needs to go see some oracles. They get to the oracle place and the Oracles be dancing like harlots.

Who run the world?

The main oracle lady asks Xena what she will give and Xena is like shit? I forgot dollar bills, girls I was gonna make it rain tonight!

I take cash only

Really, Xena is like what ? The oracle is asks a finger a lock of hair, a hand? Xena says bitch your crazy!? The oracle says you wanna free Prometheus right? Xena is like oh yea right. The Oracle asks her again “what will you give, Damn open your ears” Xena says her life and so the oracle says we will see and makes Xena put her head in a giant snake skull, to do a strength test. She is pulling a chain inside the snake skeleton. We see the oracle put fire on the rope that’s holding the giant snake mouth open, it be a test of time GIRL!

That prize is MINE

Xena is reaching for a tablet inside the snake skeleton. The Snake’s mouth snaps shut and Xena almost had the prize but it was ruined The oracles are like cool you almost lost a hand and Xena like shit girls I ain’t got time for games. They be all like we had to know you were serious. They tell Xena she needs to get a sword in a cave. Xena goes back out to Gabrielle who is really excited to see her then she talks all dark and wants to know where Gabrielle would be if she didn’t travel with her Gabrielle said she would become a bard and Xena wants to know if there is a place to study that. Gabrielle said that there is a school in Athens for a bard academy. Xena leaves Gabrielle in a trader’s tent, where she ends up meeting Eolis and he starts talking about Hercules. Xena bursts in and grabs Gabrielle and pulls a sword on him. Gabrielle is confused and is all like what the hell, and so is the audience. Gabrielle is like shit Xena calm the fuck down he is with Hercules and Xena is like precisely. They leave.

Excuse my friend she can be a real bitch

Then we see chained up Prometheus having a convo with Hera’s eyes.

I know you've read 50 shades of grey but can we do it regular this time?

Eolis and Hercules are arguing about why he and Xena cannot get along.

Can you believe by copying the dark haired hero and blonde sidekick but making them girls worked?

Turns out the special sword can cut the chains but whoever strikes the blow dies. Did I mention the sword? Xena had to go to the Oracles to find out about the special sword. Cause it can cut through Prometheus’s chains. So now it all makes sense. Remember from the beginning if you get a cut you could die from a small wound because humans can no longer heal themselves. Xena and Gabrielle are in a barn when Hera’s men attack them. But right before that Xena was telling Gabrielle about her past with Eolis and Hercules, she was in to some really freaky shit. She was telling her how she isn’t like most girls. Gabrielle seems to be all over that shit. Hercules and Eolis come in and they all fight Hera’s men. Xena and Hercules decide to work together, but still don’t know who would be the one to break the chains. Eolis tells Gabrielle about the sword and Hercules gauntlets how they were forged specially and that they can cut Prometheus’s chains. He tells Gabrielle he is going to catch up with her. HE reveals that he is actually a HORSE! Just kidding boy has been wounded.

Shit someone have a tampon?

Xena and Hercules are catching up, and Hercules is letting her know that he has heard that she is good now. Since this is the first season she tributes her do gooding to Hercules. They are still fighting over who gets to die over freeing Prometheus. Hercules reveals he has feelings for Xena and Xena doesn’t feel worthy.

Seriously? your're not taking my tan legit?

The four of them start going into the caves they say they go up to the top of the mountain. Gabrielle is talking a lot and being adorable. Xena and Hercules seem to be annoyed with her and move fast. Gabrielle and Eolis are hanging back seems there are some sparks flying. This is literally making me gag.

Why do they even bother bringing us in these situations?

Eolis falls behind and Gabrielle finds out that he is hurt. He convinces Gabrielle not to tell Hercules and Xena. Gabrielle obviously thinks he is an idiot now. They move on. Then suddenly the cave starts collapsing in on itself. I think it’s a ploy to show us Hercules is strong cause he stops a boulder from blocking their path. Then they all find out that Eolis is hurt. Lucy Lawless’s acting in the beginning of the series is terrible. Xena wants to know why he didn’t tell them. Xena tells him he has to stay there if he has any chance of making it. Eolis in a hilarious bout of act quickly chirps I CAN MAKE IT. Gabrielle announces she will stay with him and Xena looks very sad. Xena says goodbye to Gabrielle without saying anything. Hercules says goodbye to Eolis but says too many things.

Baby I dedicate this Melissa Etheridge song to you 

Xena and Hercules are now having a heart to heart as they make their way to Prometheus. Shit they are taking for f’ing ever. Xena tells Herc that she thanks him for making her a better person yadda yadda yadda… Hercules uses the ol’ you make me feel like my dead wife did trick they kiss. Xena reaches for the sword, heheh. Hercules says you tricky bitch! Just kidding he says she never gives up and neither does he and walks away. Aaahhh hell.

The ol reach for the sword trick

Meanwhile Eolis isn’t doing too good. He tells Gabrielle to deliver a message to Xena of no hard feelings and that he proud to have known her. Obviously, Xena is not harboring any resentments since she be mackin on his best friend. All the while Gabrielle is talking about how great Xena is and is wondering what Xena see’s in her. Oh Gabrielle we all know what Xena see’s in you. Eolis says he sees it too; she looks perplexed by this obviously. He tells her she has a pure heart. Oh yea, that’s what they see. Suddenly the gift of fire goes out. Coincidently, the same time Xena and Hercules gets to the top of the mountain. Xena hit’s Hercules on the top of the head with her sword but not before telling him that Gabrielle wants to go to an academy for bards in Athens. Now he out cold.

Xena steals the magic sword; I really forget the name of it which is strange it should be the most important part of the episode. She gives Hercules one last kiss. Now that I am re-watching the series I think it is incredibly funny that they try and make Xena seem straight in the beginning. Hercules wakes up and is all the aaahhh man, and goes after Xena. Gabrielle is telling Eolis a story, which I happen to really enjoy it’s same one in Hedwig and the angry inch. She tells him in the beginning everyone had 4 legs and 2 heads, and the God’s threw down thunderbolts and split everyone in two. So everyone now has two legs and one head. (Unless you’re a freak of nature and have no heads) But that the separation left people feeling a need to be rejoined cause people still shared the same soul. THUS SOULMATES dun dun. Xena walks in to an area with giant eggs. When suddenly those EGGS start hatching up a storm. And trust me these ain’t yo mama’s eggs.

It only takes one egg to feed a village these were different times then

They have grown men inside them, trying to kill a warrior princess. Dudes don’t you know she is ROYALTY?

Let me scramble your eggs baby

Hercules starts helping her fight, and then would you know it? A giant ass bird done and steals Xena .

I could go for some hooters wings right about now

As she is soaring through the air Xena uses a rope to tie herself to the bird and then begins to fall.

They didn't have science then

The bird looks hilarious, and Xena gets thrown against the rock wall. She then flips up and stabs the bird right in the fucking neck.

Fuck this Bitch

The bird does not care for this very much. Xena throws the magic sword down and Hercules deflects it with a rock, it richotes off it and hit’s one of Prometheus’s chains freeing one of his arms. Xena jumps off dying bird beast and Hercules catches her. He says something stupid “nice of you to drop in” Prometheus is able to free himself.

If you look closely you can see Xena, that what I love about this show the attention to detail

They get fire back, and Eolis is now better and now we see Xena and Hercules walk off and Gabrielle is tending to Eolis’s wound. He tells her it can’t take much more attention. She tells him it was nice getting to know him. He kisses her and then we all head off to puke city.

I love how you LOOK so much older then me

This is waaaay to much strawberry blond featheredness for this lady

Xena and Hercules say good bye I think they kissed but I am still trying to get over the Gabrielle and Eolis kiss. Gabrielle and Xena head off into the sunset and Hercules and Eolis watch them. SO how is that for coming back from a Hiatus? Pretty fantastic right?